Day 159

May I look back at 2009 one day and sincerely believe/know that it is all for the better.

p.s.: still no dress.


 

Day 135

...and still no dress

Day 113

I hate that he still affects me so deeply and that the mere thought of him can make me cry.  I hate dreaming of us getting back together and the false scenarios that play in my head.  I hate that I feel so unloved and unwanted and unworthy all because of him. 

Go away damn hormones!

Day 96

It hurts to see him travel to a place he had once promised to take me to, with people I have reasons to believe that he'll end up with, and wearing what I recently gave him.

And this is the reason that you're so busy that you can't even spend 10 minutes sending me back my dress?

Screw you.

Day 87

Weeds are very strong living things.  Its roots run so deep and grow in every imaginable direction.  You pull it out, thinking that you have removed it but ultimately, there's enough left behind that it thrives and grows again. 

On most days I can push memories of you aside and convince myself that it's for the better.  Fact is you have molded and shaped the person I have become and the experience I have as a person.  And that is not something I can push aside because I continue to dream about you and think about you unconsciously.  Removing you on the surface is only a temporary solution.  Your roots in me are far too deep, far too widespread.

Day 77

I am feeling lost.  I'd very much like to think that one day I'll be successful in my career or be happy with the man of my life.  For a long time, I was very content having one over the other and was okay about the other not quite working out.  But now that I have neither, it makes me wonder how much do I know myself and how much do I want things in my life.  If I really want to be successful, shouldn't that motivate me to pursue it?  Where is the drive in me?

When you left me standing there alone in the dark, you forgot to leave me a torchlight

 

Day 68

It would be a little easier if I do not keep having dreams of us getting back together.

Day 55

I'm trying not to count the days.  The days that just slip pass by focusing on work and focusing on nonsense when there is no work.  By focusing on something else, I try not to think about it and "let time do the healing" as every person tells me so, even him.  But I fail to see how that would work when I'm basically burying the pain and the source of the pain.  So that when time passes, I'll either have the strength to look back at the pain and say "screw you" or have no need to even look back at all??

ZV, I understand what you're trying to tell me.  I'm not mourning 24/7 for someone who has clearly made up his mind to erase me from his life and find love somewhere else.  What I'm doing is simply burying the pain that I feel because I got completely blindsided with no warning no sign.  The "what ifs" start playing in your mind and playing tricks on you because you cannot comprehend the situation.  Only on this blog can I surface this pain as I choose not to talk about it with people around me.  It seems easier to put words up then to say it. 

I don't know how to answer people when they ask me am I okay.  Obviously I'm devastated but I'm not stupid enough to believe that my life ends with him breaking up with me.  If I did, I'll probably not be here writing this but somewhere in between heaven and hell.  But no, I'm not okay.  I'm not okay because I was convinced I had found the one.  I'm not okay because this person I love will easily find another person to love and forget about my existence (and I won't be surprised if he has found someone else to love by now).  I'm not okay because I still love him.  

But I AM trying my hardest not to mourn over lost love.  I'm telling myself that it's time to focus on myself and make myself happy instead of relying on someone else for my happiness.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for "time" to kick in and "heal" me.

Day 48

He is happy, so it seems.

When will I be happy again?

Day 43

I know he doesn't read my blog...but

happy birthday to you and I hope that you're really happy with your life now.

Day 40

I don't know how to be happy anymore...

Day 37

When my heart was given away 3 years ago, I thought I had given it to mr. right. And the thing about giving your heart away is that once it's given away, you can't take it back. So when he decided to lock it away and forget about me, it's the same as taking my heart and stabbing it a million times or pouring salt on it till it shriveled and shrunk. I realize that I no longer have a heart to give away anymore.

I simply cannot comprehend what has happened in the last month or so that has changed my life forever. I keep having dreams of us getting back together but in reality, I know that he has made up his mind and will never go back on the decision. How did that happen?

Day 34

Shreds of you hidden in so many places.

Day 30

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Day 26

Today I found out that he had passed his CFA. I remembered his first CFA and me being there for him through his darkest moments. I remembered contemplating flying over to Hong Kong at the spur of the moment just to provide him the moral support for this second CFA although I was going over in another week's time.

For the first second, I was VERY happy for him until the next second when utter deep sadness struck me and reminded me that this has nothing to do with me anymore. I'm not the one he wants to celebrate this with anymore and I'll not be the person to support him through his third CFA.

Day 24

don't know what to do with my life anymore

Day 23

" I'm sorry", "You'll find someone better than me"

Day 22

I cried till my eyes were swollen again. Sigh.

Day 21

No internet connectivity in Singapore, thus the short hiatus.

Saw many things that reminded me of him. It's been really sad to be reminded of all the future plans and dreams we made together that will never happen now...it's very hard when you poured your heart and soul into thinking that you'll grow old with this one person, have a family together and be there for each other for a long long time.

Clearly, I don't know how to let go.

Day 18

God, please make everything okay again. Please.

Day 17

I cry and cry each day till I get too tired to cry then I sleep but I wonder how does one get over it...everybody says time will heal time will make it feel better...but will it? I can appear to be okay and smile and be cheerful but that's just pretending that everything's okay...

I love him, I still do. I still want to be with him, be by his side, make him happy and take care of him. Call me stupid, but that's the sad truth.

Day 16

Seriously, wake up.

Day 15

someone please wake me up from this nightmare...

Day 14

Perhaps there is some truth in the old movies when mothers tell their daughters to find a man who loves them more than they love him back...

I am sorry that although you tell me to stop loving you, I cannot.

Day 13

REMINDER TO SELF: he dumped you...so stop having dreams about getting back together...

Day 12

The braces hurt...

...but it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart

Day 11

His parents kept asking when I'm going to get braces when we were in Vancouver...

...I finally got braces today.

Day 10

I am determined not to shed a tear today...so please do not ask "Are you okay?"

Day 9

How do you remove everything that reminds you of him when EVERYTHING reminds you of him?

Day 8

No more hugs.

No more kisses.

No more love.

No more future plans.

No more dreams.

No more hopes.

No more best friend.

No more...

Day 7

I cannot stop loving him despite all this.

Day 6

Three years ago when I first came to Hong Kong, I watched the Symphony of Lights show at Tsim Sha Tsui.

Tonight, three years later, will be my last Symphony of Lights show. I'm saying my goodbyes to Hong Kong...there's just too many memories too many dreams too many hope and love implanted in this place.

I asked to see him again and this time he said no. Stupid, I know. But I really don't know how to put an end to something that I never saw the end coming and how to stop loving someone I love so much.

Day 5

Against all better judgment, I asked to see him. I went to see him.

I could not look at his face. Could not look into his eyes. Could not believe that it's truly ended.

Day 4

Not sure whether it is wise or not to be heading over to where he is now...

*edit*

For the first time he is not there to pick me up from the airport =(

happy birthday to myself

Day 3

Really do not understand why people keep telling me that he may be joking or keep asking me whether there's any chance of patching up.

Seriously. Do you think that him breaking up with me happened in only a few words?

Day 2

Can't sleep can't eat much

Day 1

Trying to come to terms with the fact that the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with has announced that he does not see that happening anymore.

extraordinarily difficult

watching Grey's has a definite effect of turning on the waterworks and for the past week, everything has just been extraordinarily difficult...

after spending 2 weeks with mr. boyfriend, being apart has been extraordinarily difficult. we didn't spend much quality time together since it was his family trip but i got used to going to bed and waking up in the same room as him. i got used to eating my meals with him and i got used to being able to steal that kiss or steal that hug from him and vice versa. i got used to him just being around. being back in KL is just damnit suffering...and i really wonder how much longer can i take this? it's been only a year...

after suffering from lots of neck/shoulder pain and migraine since the car accident in march, i have finally found the time and effort to make the travel to mont kiara to see a chiropracter. turns out that i have a pretty serious neck injury that has caused the natural neck curvature to straighten out.

normal neck curvatureabnormal neck curvature (i.e. mine)

my skull is not sitting properly on top of my spine and therefore my muscles are working extra hard to pull my head to the right position, hence the pain. oh, and my spinal/neck bones may also be touching my spinal cord, thus affecting the nerves as well. just great. i had my first physiotherapy treatment to bring down the swellings and i was sore the whole night. then i have to continue physiotherapy twice a week before the doctor uses a posture pump to "push" my neck back to its curvature. this is extraordinarily difficult, not just the pain and the possibility of suffering for the rest of my life, but also the sad fact that i really do not have the time as a consultant to fix this...then it makes me wonder if it's at all worth it to work the long hours if i can't even make time to see doctors. is it?

there's also my housing situation that i need to fix...and my sore eye...the pressure to get braces...the list goes on.

i am feeling terribly lonely...there's not many friends in KL and mr. boyfriend is 4 hours and rm1000 away =(.

extraordinarily hard...

i miss you...

Minoru Park, Richmond

How do we know whether we are meant to be together?

mixed bliss

After 2.5 months apart without seeing each other, it was definitely blissful happiness to be wrapped in his embrace and to whisper words of love into each others' ears. The other part that is diluting my bliss, I shall not delve into as there is no point in that.

My 2-week vacation is slowly ticking away as I'm due to be back in KL next Sunday to start work again. I have been sitting in front my my laptop for a few hours now since 7am this morning reading episode synopsis of Desperate Housewives (yes, sad isn't it?) as mr. boyfriend is out playing golf. I think I hear him now...

A few pictures...

Lake Louise, Banff

Banff Gondola/Sulphur Mountain, Banff

Mission Hills Family Estate, Kelowna

minum milo dapat nintendo

I've got a little good news for the people who still pop by my blog once in a while, hoping in vain that I'd update it.

"Hey, I'm updating my blog now la!"

Anyways, it's not extremely amazingly good news, just a little fun update to share. SHIT, just realized I just gave it away in the title. Oh well~

So, back in December 2008, I entered a really random contest by Milo - Peraduan MILO "Sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit". All you had to do was to count the number of MILO packs hidden in a picture and submit your entry with a proof of purchase. I figured, since people in my office drinks Milo a lot and there's always Milo in the office, why not? Not like I had to invest in buying Milo; I just had to pay for stamps.


I had completely forgotten about it, thinking that I'd never win because I never win lotteries or lucky draws or anything of that sort....until last week, when I got a package from an unidentified company.


Silly thing is, I didn't even know what I won. I saw the Super Mario Brothers game first because the whole thing was bubble-wrapped so tightly and the first thing that came to my mind was "hey! I won a game! I can give that to mr. boyfriend...".



But the letter told me otherwise! I had won a Nintendo DS Lite (yes, in this color), a Super Mario Brothers game and a RM200 Hong Leong bank account!!!


I am one of the 5 lucky weekly winners! It's really crazy...

...but do you want to know what's even crazier??

Guess what my housemate won in a different contest?

*
**
***
****
*****
******

Guess!

Ok fine, la la la. I tell I tell.

She won VVIP tickets to Lee Hom's concert this coming weekend AND backstage passes! I think there's some after show party that she has access to as well...isn't that insane?? She only entered 6 entries. And she won the grand prize.

LOL. Now, that kind of luck I don't have la. But our apartment must have pretty good fengshui!

Alritey, I've done my update. Signing off now...ciao~

Haha...what a perspective!

Think we've got it bad? U. Chicago has it worse

By Julie Straus
Columnist

Published: Tuesday, March 7th, 2000

Two weeks ago, I visited a friend at the University of Chicago. A renowned research institution, Chicago's undergraduate program is better known as the school "where fun goes to die." With a quarter system, Chicago students endure three sets of finals per year. But here at Princeton, we're complaining about exams after winter break.

Compared with students at most schools, we are spoiled. We have 24 weeks of classes, compared to Chicago's 30. This week is designated "midterm week," and most professors schedule assignments accordingly. Yes, there are professors that schedule midterms and papers outside this period, but most do not. As many Chicago students can confirm, midterms there run from Week Four through Week 10.

Certainly, we are an exception when it comes to reading periods: nine days before exams devoted to catching up. The University is even gracious enough not to count Houseparties weekend in those nine days. Chicago designates two days that begin immediately following the last class of the quarter. So does Columbia. Penn allots three days. Yale students are lucky, with seven. I am not advocating change, because I think Princeton's academic program has evolved to fit the nine-day reading period. But I am asking that we put our situation into perspective.

As fortunate as we are, why do we complain about too much work? Last spring, when Chicago administrators proposed a plan to weaken their core curriculum, students there protested for months to preserve what many see as cumbersome academic requirements.

Too many Princeton students act as though they are owed "better" — less reading, fewer papers, longer vacations. Actually, we are owed nothing. Professors are the employees in the academic world; we are merely the clients. They are paid to challenge us, to help us develop our minds and pursue our interests. To do so requires reading, writing, examinations and assignments.

Attending this school is not a job, and it is not something we have to do. This society has created a system that justifies our spending four years pursuing our interests and expanding our minds. As college students, most of us have little real responsibility. Yet somehow, some of us have come to place so much emphasis on our classes that we perceive them as something akin to a job and beg for benefits.

For those who say that an advanced degree is essential in today's employment market, and thus argue that completing this education is something we must do, I respond that you did not have to choose Princeton. You could have enrolled in a technical school, learned a trade and earned a decent living. A Princeton education is a gift that we are fortunate to have received. This is a luxury — to spend four years exploring anything and everything, from astrophysics to Zen Buddhism — but we are not entitled to any of this. What we take away from our Princeton experience is directly related to what we put into it. "Dean Hargadon and Company" offered each of us admission here because they believe that we are the individuals that will make the most of our time here and the resources available to us.

Whining about work is not making the most of the Princeton experience. If your work is such a burden, perhaps you are taking the wrong classes. At the same time, however, we must strike a delicate balance between class work, extracurricular activities and socializing. In this respect, we should not emulate Chicago, where the first Monday in February is an academic vacation affectionately called "Suicide Prevention Day." Chicago earned its notoriety because too many students there were unable to strike the appropriate balance between class work and extracurricular activities. Let us not suffer the same fate. But let us not suffer the worse fate of misunderstanding why we are here.

steak steak steak

OMG...Morton's is sooooo goooooood!

Or perhaps I haven't had good steak in a long while...

unattenable promises

I had promised myself the Coach bag if I don't screw up in this project.

Damnit, I don't think I'm getting it =(.

say hi to my baby!

Way overdue, as usual. But can't really help it when wireless does not work in my house even after we've changed the router from the Belkin guy.

So here's the story:

I finally got my first Coach bag.

*tears*

I knew mr. boyfriend's mom was getting a Coach bag as a christmas present even before I went to HK but I didn't know which one. She kept me guessing and mr. boyfriend was of no help because he was not there when his mom bought it. Maggie and I even went into Coach stores to try to guess which bag. We were pretty close -- we did guess the Sabrina bag. However, I was pretty sure I would not be getting a monogram bag and we did not see this bag and therefore did not guess this exact design.

So why did mr. boyfriend's mom bought me a Coach bag?

Last year, I told mr. boyfriend that there are many different levels to expensive handbags...you start low with Coach, Nine West or Kate Spade then move on to the Guccis, Pradas, LVs and Channels.

He went and told his mom I said that.

*bangs head on the wall*

Definitely not something your boyfriend should tell his mom!!!

Anyways, I like it that it's not conventional, its monogram more subtle due to the color contrast and that it is convertible between a shoulder strap bag and a hand-held bag. Of course, after my baby's debut at our horse-racing day out at the Hong Kong Jockey Club in Hong Kong (yes, I went horse-racing! Will tell the story another day), I have not used it much especially in Malaysia.

Say hi to my baby!
Then I started browsing the Coach website and saw this bag:

COACH PARKER LEATHER LARGE CONVERTIBLE HIPPIE $358

What do you guys think?

Yeah, I know it's a little boring but honestly I'm not a very adventurous shopper and I'm drawn to the shape of this bag. I also want something practical that I can carry to work and it would be able to fit papers and notebooks. Just not sure which color I should go for...

The mustard yellow is not as dull as the brown but even the mustard yellow is a big adventurous for me!

What say you?

on this and on that

On Chinese New Year: It was a VERY very quiet Chinese New Year for me this year, even more quiet than when I was studying in the US. It was also a VERY very wet Chinese New Year in Kuching, as the rain kept pouring down. But surprisingly, I ended up spending more time with my high school friends this short 5 days than in the last 4 years altogether. And even more surprisingly, it was also during this break that I had my first taste of going home past midnight in Kuching!! 12.30 a.m....damn sad right?

On Lee Chong Wei: As I was checking in at the airport in Kuching for my flight back to KL, we saw the national badminton team who's on the same flight as me. My dad goes, "Eh, the badminton team is here. Where is Lee Chong Wei?" and at that moment, Lee Chong Wei proceeds to walk past my dad. My little brother who idolizes him was too chicken to get his autograph and we didn't have any camera with us but he was still super duper uber excited to see Lee Chong Wei in person. At the boarding gate, I decided to ask for his autograph and my little brother is extremely happy now. I got to admit, I was a little awestruck and nervous because I was afraid Lee Chong Wei would say no.

On Valentine's Day: mr. boyfriend is coming this Friday for the weekend! Enough said =)

the inaugural sekhar memorial lecture with the honorary bill clinton RUINED by RUDE LADY!

I never had abundant luck throughout my life. Of course, I consider myself lucky as I always seemed to manage to pull through at every level of my life (getting an overseas scholarship; accepted into University of Chicago; working for McKinsey) but I almost never win any lucky draws or random competitions or lotteries. So I was extremely excited when I found out that I had "won" a spot to listen to Bill Clinton give a speech in his inaugural visit to Malaysia.

Clinton gave an amazing speech -- it was captivating, relevant and inspiring. He was charming and he knew what to say and what not to say. He was also funny and definitely a joy to listen. I was and is still very glad that I was there amongst the crowd.

I really thank the organizers -- Sekhar Foundation and ASLI -- who footed the bill and brought Bill Clinton to Malaysia for this wonderful occasion. However, I was terribly offended by the people who were working the registration.

We were told to register and pick up our ticket/tags earlier at around 2pm. I was wearing a grey top and suit skirt (without the suit jacket) with heels, totally appropriate as "smart/business attire" as prescribed in the emails sent out to us. But when I picked up my ticket, the registration table asked me "where's your jacket?".

First of all, a question such as "where's your jacket?" should not be asked during registration (since the lecture was later at 5-6pm). A polite reminder to wear a jacket during the lecture would suffice.

Secondly, there was NO indication in the email that we NEEDED to wear a suit jacket. The email distinctively wrote "smart/business attire" and obviously I was careful enough to make sure of that for something as important as this.

I lied and said that my suit jacket was in the office but I couldn't help pointing out the fact that I was NEVER told to wear a suit jacket.

The youngsters at the table immediately started looking for someone who had more authority to speak with me and this lady stepped to the front to talk to me.

I repeated what I said and she retorted, "no, it's business formal".

Please la, I have the email from the organizers as proof can?

She insisted over and over again that it's business formal and then proceeded to make a comment "you're going to meet Bill Clinton without wearing your jacket?".

That is SO not the point. Not that I'll actually meet him (not to mention that I was sitted so far behind!).

I was at least in business casual if not slightly more formal than business casual and she was wearing this V-necked dress with some cleavage showing. Please tell me which is more appropriate?

And while I was still talking to her, she went "next person please" and totally ignored me!!!

I didn't want to argue anymore because she's obviously awful and rude and will not budge from her self-declared righteousness and I'll forgive her ignorance although my blood was boiling from the way she was treating me. I may be young, but a little respect please! I wasn't even being rude and I was simply pointing out a fact. It is SO Malaysian to not let people argue the facts and treat the public like shit and that's what I HATE about Malaysia. I'm sure that if I were in a different country, someone would have apologized for the inconvenience and patiently explain that there may have been some miscommunication but a suit jacket would be needed.

And guess what?

This girl who was sitting next to me in the lecture was wearing jeans and slippers wtf!

I wished I had been braver to fight it out and ask for the supervisor's name for being so rude and inconsiderate.

is this a new year or what?

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

What are you guys doing or up to this CNY?

As for me, I'm flying to JB in a few hours to meet my family there (my elder sis is in Skudai) then flying back to Kuching on Wednesday night and back to KL on Monday evening. A lot of travelling for a week of CNY right?

A lot of things happening although 2009 just started 3 weeks ago...what if Obama's inauguration, RBS's 70% nationalization, all the economic uncertainty and my career uncertainty.

le sigh~

Just looking forward to seeing mr. boyfriend for valentine's! any suggestions on places we can go (not necessarily in kl)??

Have a great CNY!

HUGS and KISSES
XOXO

our promise

My christmas present from mr. boyfriend was a ring of my choice, a ring that I wanted to be our promise ring (although mr. boyfriend refuses to wear a ring so it kinda defeats its purpose -- is it true that guys do not like to wear rings?).

I had earlier decided that I wanted a plain white gold ring because that's long-lasting and I can wear it on a daily basis. Only after searching up and down for the perfect ring do I realize that it's nearly impossible to find a plain white gold ring (or at least in Hong Kong!). First of all, white gold rings usually come with diamonds or other gems. Secondly, plain white gold rings comes in pairs because it's more like wedding bands. So I settled with a Swarovski ring which is rhodium-plated with a huge pink crystal (which of course cannot be worn on a daily basis...le sigh~ oh well I can't get everything I want!).

I really do not know what the future lies ahead for mr. boyfriend and I. Everyone seems to think that we'll most definitely get married but there's so much uncertainy up ahead that it seems awfully naive to think that I'll 100% get my happy ending with mr. boyfriend.

I always like to ask him "will you leave me for another girl?" or "will you love me forever?" or "will you break my heart" and being the absolutely honest and direct mr. boyfriend, he always tells me that he can promise me to try but he can promise me nothing more than that. Not exactly what I want to hear, eh? But truth is, that's the honest and blunt truth. No one can guarantee that they'll love one person forever or be with one person forever. Maybe that's what the institution of marriage tries to do -- temporarily guarantees that we have this one person in our life for as long as the marriage is alive.

I would be lying if I don't say that I honestly feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with mr. boyfriend. I want to be the one to take care of him and be there for him through ups and downs. I can be my true self with him (yes, that includes the etiquette unmentionables) and he spoils me incredibly (yes, I agree that you spoil me loads but that does not mean I'm spoilt!). I really cannot be any much happier =).

I love you!

sad and miserable

I am officially miserable to be back in KL. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better next week, but right now I just want to cry and cry and cry and forget about the fact that I have to go to work tomorrow.