25.05.2011

There were so many instances in the last few weeks when I opened up my blog to ramble, vent, rant, fossilize some thoughts, learnings, memories, two cents just to feel so overwhelmed, jaded, tired, sick by all the shit to write it all down.  Even now when I finally decided to pen something down, I don't know where to start.  Maybe if I try to bucket them, as I am trained to as a consultant, it would make more sense as more words pour out.


Wharton
I was extremely excited when Wharton called me as I was boarding my flight from Singapore to KL.  Screaming and doing the dance in my mind, I probably looked like a fool to everyone on the flight but who cares.  I GOT INTO WHARTON.  Not only did I get into Wharton, I was also offered a fellowship on the spot.  How much crazy lucky can I get?  So it doesn't matter anymore that my HBS interviewer destroyed me because the HBS panel thought that my experience in PNG was not rigorous enough, or that I never heard back from Stanford.  Nagging at the back of my mind though, a scene flashed back from 2009 when an ex-colleague had actually said that if she were to be admitted to only Wharton, she would not bother going to business school.  Scenarios of different people praising me about how smart I must be to get into Wharton also make me feel uncomfortable.  What about all the other schools that I did not get into? That aside, the excitement has also tapered out because I am worried and stressed out about finances, visas and housing.  I don't remember things being so difficult when I went to the US for the first time for my undergraduate studies.


N
I was having fun until N came along and tipped my world a little bit.  N, despite my initial impression of him as a loud boisterous Aussie boy, has proven me wrong in so many different dimensions.  Instead, he is sensitive and caring in many ways.  Just when I thought this might be a fun short-term no-strings-attached dating game, he blindsided me.  Friends we became, because short-term was not his thing.  Seriously?  That was refreshingly sweet.  It's driving me nuts however, because I'm a sucker for hidden gem qualities in people and as a result, I am feeling more than I should and can afford to.


Me
I remember fighting a lot with my ex about me caring too much about what people think and sidelining myself or those around me for people who don't matter.  I admit it.  Most of the time, I do care about what people think and how I affect others.  I do assume people would do vice versa and often end up in a sad position of being severely disappointed when people don't.  I prioritize work over family and friends.  I think about impact, clients, value, before I think about myself.  I think shorter-term, rather than longer-term.  A painful recent experience made me realize how I need to be a bit more selfish.  No one is going to look out for me, but myself.  I still have lots to learn about being a zen master and soft communication, that's true.  But it was such an 'aha' moment for me that selflessness is not always the best.


PNG
6 weeks left and counting.  

in a million different places

I feel like my life is in a bit of a mess right now.  I'm chasing after scholarships to help pay for school while not sure how to actually attend interviews back in Malaysia when shortlisted, trying to put my finances together so I can actually rent an apartment in Philly or get my I-20 documentation for my US visa application, squeezing time for orthodontists, physiotherapists as well as new and old friends here and there.  Oh, and work at the same time.

Somehow, I need to dig deep inside myself to find the strength to get through this.  Somehow, somewhere.

On a different note, I no longer remember his passwords.  That's a good thing, right?