Monday, November 11, 2013

The last 2 months...

...has been a roller-coaster of emotions.  I was very happy.  Then I was very sad.  I was hopeful.  Then I was crushed.  I was excited.  Then I was lonely.  I wanted to tell everyone the good news.  Then I wanted to hide in bed from the world.  I went from feeling loved to feeling like I'm not worth being loved.  I must have done something wrong.  I must have said something wrong.  Maybe I changed and was no longer the same bubbly person people usually like in the beginning.  Maybe I take on their personalities so I appear to be clingy.  Maybe they realize that I'm not that interesting.

Pangs of emptiness hurt like hell.

Maybe, it's just not meant to be.

Damn it.  It really sucks to be unwanted and it really sucks to be reminded of that constantly.

Damn it.  It really sucks that this sucky situation is having such a huge impact on me.

Damn it.

I deserve someone who deserves my love.  I will not settle.  I will not let others define who I am.

In the meantime, I wish the pain would subside a little quicker...

Sunday, December 16, 2012

sad faces

It's been a long while since I last penned my thoughts here.  A couple of random musings:

I'm starting to realize that for the most part, I live "in the moment".  I have trouble remembering many things when my sister talks about parts of our childhood, or when my friends talk about parts of our youth.  Whatever I remember, I believe it's either because I have photos from those moments or because I talked/discussed about them (and our brain is wired to build on memories).  Therefore, I may have said things or done things that I don't remember - it breaks my heart that a very very good friend of mine is no longer speaking to me and I can't seem to figure out why =(.

He broke my heart this summer.  Not enough to break me, because I've learnt to put up some walls ever since the big break-up of '09.  But he's back and I need to make sure he no longer has access =( =(.

My whole world has been turned upside down =( =( =(.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What a mess

Reading my last post, how did I get to where I am today? How did I go from being happy to turning into this constantly unhappy and pissed-off person, especially to you?  It's cliched but it's the truth, you definitely deserve better than this.  Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a committed relationship, maybe it's because I'm just not the person for you.  There are plenty of maybes but the fact is you deserve so much better.  I hate this angsty me and I tried to make it work, but I really do not like this person I've become.  Will you hate me if I ask you to set me free? 

Monday, October 24, 2011

I fail in life

Stupid stupid stupid.  I kept poking and prodding in so many different levels to see if he'll leave and now that he might actually leave, I realized that I don't want him to leave.  But he's going to leave, and even if he stays, he's never going to look at me the same way anymore.

Friday, June 24, 2011

no time

Time is running out.  Leaving work on 1 July, leaving PNG on 4 July.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Quite the irony that my blog's name is mademoiselle shopaholic but instead of talking about fashion or shopping, you guys get deluged with my random thoughts, public display of emotions and sappy emo-ness.   But today is a bit different. Today, in tribute to my blog's name, poor thing, I want to share about something that I finally have the courage to do.

Meet Bianca Chain Continental Wallet.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


There were so many instances in the last few weeks when I opened up my blog to ramble, vent, rant, fossilize some thoughts, learnings, memories, two cents just to feel so overwhelmed, jaded, tired, sick by all the shit to write it all down.  Even now when I finally decided to pen something down, I don't know where to start.  Maybe if I try to bucket them, as I am trained to as a consultant, it would make more sense as more words pour out.

I was extremely excited when Wharton called me as I was boarding my flight from Singapore to KL.  Screaming and doing the dance in my mind, I probably looked like a fool to everyone on the flight but who cares.  I GOT INTO WHARTON.  Not only did I get into Wharton, I was also offered a fellowship on the spot.  How much crazy lucky can I get?  So it doesn't matter anymore that my HBS interviewer destroyed me because the HBS panel thought that my experience in PNG was not rigorous enough, or that I never heard back from Stanford.  Nagging at the back of my mind though, a scene flashed back from 2009 when an ex-colleague had actually said that if she were to be admitted to only Wharton, she would not bother going to business school.  Scenarios of different people praising me about how smart I must be to get into Wharton also make me feel uncomfortable.  What about all the other schools that I did not get into? That aside, the excitement has also tapered out because I am worried and stressed out about finances, visas and housing.  I don't remember things being so difficult when I went to the US for the first time for my undergraduate studies.

I was having fun until N came along and tipped my world a little bit.  N, despite my initial impression of him as a loud boisterous Aussie boy, has proven me wrong in so many different dimensions.  Instead, he is sensitive and caring in many ways.  Just when I thought this might be a fun short-term no-strings-attached dating game, he blindsided me.  Friends we became, because short-term was not his thing.  Seriously?  That was refreshingly sweet.  It's driving me nuts however, because I'm a sucker for hidden gem qualities in people and as a result, I am feeling more than I should and can afford to.

I remember fighting a lot with my ex about me caring too much about what people think and sidelining myself or those around me for people who don't matter.  I admit it.  Most of the time, I do care about what people think and how I affect others.  I do assume people would do vice versa and often end up in a sad position of being severely disappointed when people don't.  I prioritize work over family and friends.  I think about impact, clients, value, before I think about myself.  I think shorter-term, rather than longer-term.  A painful recent experience made me realize how I need to be a bit more selfish.  No one is going to look out for me, but myself.  I still have lots to learn about being a zen master and soft communication, that's true.  But it was such an 'aha' moment for me that selflessness is not always the best.

6 weeks left and counting.