What a mess

Reading my last post, how did I get to where I am today? How did I go from being happy to turning into this constantly unhappy and pissed-off person, especially to you?  It's cliched but it's the truth, you definitely deserve better than this.  Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a committed relationship, maybe it's because I'm just not the person for you.  There are plenty of maybes but the fact is you deserve so much better.  I hate this angsty me and I tried to make it work, but I really do not like this person I've become.  Will you hate me if I ask you to set me free? 

I fail in life

Stupid stupid stupid.  I kept poking and prodding in so many different levels to see if he'll leave and now that he might actually leave, I realized that I don't want him to leave.  But he's going to leave, and even if he stays, he's never going to look at me the same way anymore.

no time

Time is running out.  Leaving work on 1 July, leaving PNG on 4 July.

j'aime

Quite the irony that my blog's name is mademoiselle shopaholic but instead of talking about fashion or shopping, you guys get deluged with my random thoughts, public display of emotions and sappy emo-ness.   But today is a bit different. Today, in tribute to my blog's name, poor thing, I want to share about something that I finally have the courage to do.

Meet Bianca Chain Continental Wallet.

25.05.2011

There were so many instances in the last few weeks when I opened up my blog to ramble, vent, rant, fossilize some thoughts, learnings, memories, two cents just to feel so overwhelmed, jaded, tired, sick by all the shit to write it all down.  Even now when I finally decided to pen something down, I don't know where to start.  Maybe if I try to bucket them, as I am trained to as a consultant, it would make more sense as more words pour out.


Wharton
I was extremely excited when Wharton called me as I was boarding my flight from Singapore to KL.  Screaming and doing the dance in my mind, I probably looked like a fool to everyone on the flight but who cares.  I GOT INTO WHARTON.  Not only did I get into Wharton, I was also offered a fellowship on the spot.  How much crazy lucky can I get?  So it doesn't matter anymore that my HBS interviewer destroyed me because the HBS panel thought that my experience in PNG was not rigorous enough, or that I never heard back from Stanford.  Nagging at the back of my mind though, a scene flashed back from 2009 when an ex-colleague had actually said that if she were to be admitted to only Wharton, she would not bother going to business school.  Scenarios of different people praising me about how smart I must be to get into Wharton also make me feel uncomfortable.  What about all the other schools that I did not get into? That aside, the excitement has also tapered out because I am worried and stressed out about finances, visas and housing.  I don't remember things being so difficult when I went to the US for the first time for my undergraduate studies.


N
I was having fun until N came along and tipped my world a little bit.  N, despite my initial impression of him as a loud boisterous Aussie boy, has proven me wrong in so many different dimensions.  Instead, he is sensitive and caring in many ways.  Just when I thought this might be a fun short-term no-strings-attached dating game, he blindsided me.  Friends we became, because short-term was not his thing.  Seriously?  That was refreshingly sweet.  It's driving me nuts however, because I'm a sucker for hidden gem qualities in people and as a result, I am feeling more than I should and can afford to.


Me
I remember fighting a lot with my ex about me caring too much about what people think and sidelining myself or those around me for people who don't matter.  I admit it.  Most of the time, I do care about what people think and how I affect others.  I do assume people would do vice versa and often end up in a sad position of being severely disappointed when people don't.  I prioritize work over family and friends.  I think about impact, clients, value, before I think about myself.  I think shorter-term, rather than longer-term.  A painful recent experience made me realize how I need to be a bit more selfish.  No one is going to look out for me, but myself.  I still have lots to learn about being a zen master and soft communication, that's true.  But it was such an 'aha' moment for me that selflessness is not always the best.


PNG
6 weeks left and counting.  

in a million different places

I feel like my life is in a bit of a mess right now.  I'm chasing after scholarships to help pay for school while not sure how to actually attend interviews back in Malaysia when shortlisted, trying to put my finances together so I can actually rent an apartment in Philly or get my I-20 documentation for my US visa application, squeezing time for orthodontists, physiotherapists as well as new and old friends here and there.  Oh, and work at the same time.

Somehow, I need to dig deep inside myself to find the strength to get through this.  Somehow, somewhere.

On a different note, I no longer remember his passwords.  That's a good thing, right?

unbelievable

I can't believe what just happened tonight.

state of confusion

Ran into him at the local gym today, which was completely NOT ideal! Especially not when I was about to go into a zumba class right in the middle of the gym.  Picture me in totally uncoordinated Latin American dance movements in aerobics.  Picture me in baggy XL shirt and shorts, sweating up a storm.  Picture me trying to do the body roll or booty shake while looking ridiculously silly. SO NOT ideal, SO not sexy.  He and his mates walking around the gym doing weights and chin-ups, why oh why oh why.

I did get a ride home though.  I was going to call for a cab when I ran into him.  On the way home, got lectured mad about taking cabs, about not driving myself.  Then he offered me driving lessons, and rides on weekends if I need them.  It's just a bit strange the way he said it and I didn't know how to react, really.  Coy, flirty, whiny, appreciative all didn't seem to work.  He called me sniffling lol.  I don't think we were made for conversations.

He had said on Sunday that he wanted to see me again before I leave for Turkey, but he didn't ask me out tonight.  So I guess that's not happening.

Shall I say again how confusing this all is?

unofficial rules

"What if he thought that I was not interested because of the text that I sent?"

It's crazy that dating games are overly complicated. The unofficial rules ("If he calls or texts you the day after, he's interested in a relationship" or "Never call/text first, wait for him to call/text otherwise he's just not into you"), which I don't even know really what they are, are...oxymoron as my friend put it.  How can rules be unofficial and yet be followed by many?

I've had boyfriends in the past but I've never been in the dating game.  No one had asked me out on a date before, no one had pursued me per se, no one had complimented me in a more-than-friends manner. 

So I got to say, I'm absolutely lost.  Let's see.

the world is cruel today

Despite my age, I know and I am sure that I am still rather immature in so many ways.  I don't like the weight of decisions on my shoulders.  I thought I would get better at managing my emotions.  I had hoped that with age comes natural wisdom and zen calmness on dealing with issues.  How can I be this young and that old at the same time?

Beyond that, I wished people cared enough about me.  Enough to say, we value you please stay longer.  Enough to say, we enjoy your company let's figure out how to work out weekend retreats.  Enough to say, yes it's an extra flight cost but it's okay.  I now realize that the system really makes or breaks you.  And although technically I came out of it with my head held high, it has broken me.  Is this the reality of the world, or is it the system? Would I be happier in another place?

I am privileged in many ways, I acknowledge that.  I also know that only I am making comparisons and passing judgments on myself all the time.  Thus the psychological need to feel wanted or cared about.  And here I am, trying to shake off the tears and remind myself that the world is always cruel and I have to find a way to not allow the world to hurt me as easily as it does right now.

dreams

The dreams do. not. stop. And when I wake up to reality, when the dreams seem to finally stop, I am mentally drained and completely out of energy. It's been long enough and I do not think about him much anymore. But I do acknowledge that there is a deeper issue that I'm simply burying. What to do?

Though, I am a bit more optimistic this time. In my dreams when we are back together, the conscious part of my sub-conscious told me that "HE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE" and "THINGS HAVE CHANGED" and "I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE".   Plus, my sub-conscious also did a great job of reminding me to kill the idea as we were killed/murdered at the end.

On a happier note, I am relieved, grateful and happy that I got into Wharton! 

nerve-wrecking weeks

I am worried sick.  I hit the Refresh button on my email a million times. I check the forums to hear what people are hearing back/talking about.  I log on to the application website to see if anything changed.  I look at my half-broken and cranky phone many many times to make sure that I can still receive calls.

I need to take a chill pill.

please stop the dreams

Newsflash: we are not getting back together.  Dreams that feel so real have got. to. stop.

sigh

Reminder to self: it is ALWAYS a mistake to kiss a good friend. Always. No exception.

His soft kisses still linger at the tip of my tongue, their impression imprinted on my lips. How do I forget the slow and sweet carefulness, his breathe right in front of mine?

My rational side tells me to not dissect and analyze the moment because we are just friends.

My emotional side is completely stirred up.

Hmm.

thank you for the music

Overall, I had an amazing weekend in Hong Kong.

In some ways, I think I managed to carve bits and pieces of Hong Kong that is my own.  I saw many friends from CSP and Dragon 100 that I have not seen in a very long time, friends that were not mutual.  And I wished more were able to meet me.  A long-time good friend who was always busy when I visited finally had time to spend with me and I am very happy and grateful for that.  We chatted till wee hours in the morning, and I wished we could have chatted more.  The weather was fa-bu-lous and it makes me wonder why the locals were walking around in winter coats.  I sang karaoke, walked from Causeway Bay to Soho/Central and had a great night out.  I also met up with old college friends and we planned our Turkey trip together.

Minus the manic panic before my interview, the stupid compulsion for texting him to meet up, and the tiredness at the end of the day from lugging my laptop around in heels, which all happened on a Monday so technically does not count as the weekend, I pretty much got what I asked for.  Probably even more so.

Amen.

hong kong

I wish I am able to make my own Hong Kong.  I love the vibrancy of the hustle and bustle.  I love the traditional hidden amidst the modern.  Of course, I absolutely love the tong sui at Hui Lau San as well as the char chan teng's polo pau and nai char in Wanchai.  However, every nook and cranny is laden of memories, which I should have already buried and forgotten but they linger and surface as they like.  And I've never felt more alone navigating my way through the busy streets of Hong Kong.  Once upon a time, I was blissful in Hong Kong.

I hope and pray for a little less painful memories and a little more happy experiences this weekend in Hong Kong.  

forgive me?

I'd like to know at what point that we all grew up and decisions became harder to make, especially the ones that does not make people happy either way.  What comes first? Family? Friends? Work? Impact? World peace?

A, if you're reading this, I'm really really sorry.  It's not confirmed yet that I'm missing your wedding for sure but the chances are there.  I honestly thought that everything would work out and that I can enjoy celebrating your happiest day and seeing you as a beautiful blushing bride.  But between emails that tell me that things are falling apart at work, and train schedules that tell me that I could potentially be only spending an hour or two at your wedding, and the fact that I would absolutely know no one at the wedding, and school interviews that would require me to take more time off work later this month, I am really struggling with what the right decision is.  

I wish I had a better reason, one that would not upset you or make you think of me lesser as a friend.  And no, I had not planned this or let you know this late on purpose and in fact, it only hit me 1-2 days ago.

Sorry =(

is there anyone out there?

holler if you read this blog and you actually know me in one way or another? 

random thought that is less random but more stupid

when he moved houses, did he throw away my bear? the one with my name, made with love by my friends? the one that he kept because he made me a bear, supposedly with love too, after his name? i've always wanted to ask for the bear back. but at this point, does it really matter?


what do you guys think?

=)

All submitted! *GOES BACK TO SLEEP*

almost a sense of relief, but not quite yet

FOUR business school applications submitted but still cannot exactly relax yet because ONE recommendation letter is still outstanding.  At this point, I'm really at lost on what I can do anymore to make sure that the letter gets submitted.  I've scheduled time blocks and reminders in his calendar through his secretary, spoken to him as well as emailed, texted and called him.  5 minutes before deadline: *CRICKET SOUNDS*.


After the deadline, I've again scheduled time blocks and reminders in his calendar.  I've even sent a SOS email to my KL ex-colleagues to remind him when they see him.  


Tell me, what else can I do?

hello 2011

what a whirlwind of the first 7 days in 2011.  from falling sick to panicking about my essays to flying back to PNG to falling even sicker.  all leading to today whereby I am panicking yet again about my essays and this time it's worse.  5 essays unwritten and all due on Tuesday.


I think I'm having one hell of a great start to the year.  Cheers!