Day 37

When my heart was given away 3 years ago, I thought I had given it to mr. right. And the thing about giving your heart away is that once it's given away, you can't take it back. So when he decided to lock it away and forget about me, it's the same as taking my heart and stabbing it a million times or pouring salt on it till it shriveled and shrunk. I realize that I no longer have a heart to give away anymore.

I simply cannot comprehend what has happened in the last month or so that has changed my life forever. I keep having dreams of us getting back together but in reality, I know that he has made up his mind and will never go back on the decision. How did that happen?

Day 34

Shreds of you hidden in so many places.

Day 30

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Day 26

Today I found out that he had passed his CFA. I remembered his first CFA and me being there for him through his darkest moments. I remembered contemplating flying over to Hong Kong at the spur of the moment just to provide him the moral support for this second CFA although I was going over in another week's time.

For the first second, I was VERY happy for him until the next second when utter deep sadness struck me and reminded me that this has nothing to do with me anymore. I'm not the one he wants to celebrate this with anymore and I'll not be the person to support him through his third CFA.

Day 24

don't know what to do with my life anymore

Day 23

" I'm sorry", "You'll find someone better than me"

Day 22

I cried till my eyes were swollen again. Sigh.

Day 21

No internet connectivity in Singapore, thus the short hiatus.

Saw many things that reminded me of him. It's been really sad to be reminded of all the future plans and dreams we made together that will never happen now...it's very hard when you poured your heart and soul into thinking that you'll grow old with this one person, have a family together and be there for each other for a long long time.

Clearly, I don't know how to let go.

Day 18

God, please make everything okay again. Please.

Day 17

I cry and cry each day till I get too tired to cry then I sleep but I wonder how does one get over it...everybody says time will heal time will make it feel better...but will it? I can appear to be okay and smile and be cheerful but that's just pretending that everything's okay...

I love him, I still do. I still want to be with him, be by his side, make him happy and take care of him. Call me stupid, but that's the sad truth.

Day 16

Seriously, wake up.

Day 15

someone please wake me up from this nightmare...

Day 14

Perhaps there is some truth in the old movies when mothers tell their daughters to find a man who loves them more than they love him back...

I am sorry that although you tell me to stop loving you, I cannot.

Day 13

REMINDER TO SELF: he dumped you...so stop having dreams about getting back together...

Day 12

The braces hurt...

...but it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart

Day 11

His parents kept asking when I'm going to get braces when we were in Vancouver...

...I finally got braces today.

Day 10

I am determined not to shed a tear today...so please do not ask "Are you okay?"

Day 9

How do you remove everything that reminds you of him when EVERYTHING reminds you of him?

Day 8

No more hugs.

No more kisses.

No more love.

No more future plans.

No more dreams.

No more hopes.

No more best friend.

No more...

Day 7

I cannot stop loving him despite all this.

Day 6

Three years ago when I first came to Hong Kong, I watched the Symphony of Lights show at Tsim Sha Tsui.

Tonight, three years later, will be my last Symphony of Lights show. I'm saying my goodbyes to Hong Kong...there's just too many memories too many dreams too many hope and love implanted in this place.

I asked to see him again and this time he said no. Stupid, I know. But I really don't know how to put an end to something that I never saw the end coming and how to stop loving someone I love so much.