j'aime

Quite the irony that my blog's name is mademoiselle shopaholic but instead of talking about fashion or shopping, you guys get deluged with my random thoughts, public display of emotions and sappy emo-ness.   But today is a bit different. Today, in tribute to my blog's name, poor thing, I want to share about something that I finally have the courage to do.

Meet Bianca Chain Continental Wallet.

25.05.2011

There were so many instances in the last few weeks when I opened up my blog to ramble, vent, rant, fossilize some thoughts, learnings, memories, two cents just to feel so overwhelmed, jaded, tired, sick by all the shit to write it all down.  Even now when I finally decided to pen something down, I don't know where to start.  Maybe if I try to bucket them, as I am trained to as a consultant, it would make more sense as more words pour out.


Wharton
I was extremely excited when Wharton called me as I was boarding my flight from Singapore to KL.  Screaming and doing the dance in my mind, I probably looked like a fool to everyone on the flight but who cares.  I GOT INTO WHARTON.  Not only did I get into Wharton, I was also offered a fellowship on the spot.  How much crazy lucky can I get?  So it doesn't matter anymore that my HBS interviewer destroyed me because the HBS panel thought that my experience in PNG was not rigorous enough, or that I never heard back from Stanford.  Nagging at the back of my mind though, a scene flashed back from 2009 when an ex-colleague had actually said that if she were to be admitted to only Wharton, she would not bother going to business school.  Scenarios of different people praising me about how smart I must be to get into Wharton also make me feel uncomfortable.  What about all the other schools that I did not get into? That aside, the excitement has also tapered out because I am worried and stressed out about finances, visas and housing.  I don't remember things being so difficult when I went to the US for the first time for my undergraduate studies.


N
I was having fun until N came along and tipped my world a little bit.  N, despite my initial impression of him as a loud boisterous Aussie boy, has proven me wrong in so many different dimensions.  Instead, he is sensitive and caring in many ways.  Just when I thought this might be a fun short-term no-strings-attached dating game, he blindsided me.  Friends we became, because short-term was not his thing.  Seriously?  That was refreshingly sweet.  It's driving me nuts however, because I'm a sucker for hidden gem qualities in people and as a result, I am feeling more than I should and can afford to.


Me
I remember fighting a lot with my ex about me caring too much about what people think and sidelining myself or those around me for people who don't matter.  I admit it.  Most of the time, I do care about what people think and how I affect others.  I do assume people would do vice versa and often end up in a sad position of being severely disappointed when people don't.  I prioritize work over family and friends.  I think about impact, clients, value, before I think about myself.  I think shorter-term, rather than longer-term.  A painful recent experience made me realize how I need to be a bit more selfish.  No one is going to look out for me, but myself.  I still have lots to learn about being a zen master and soft communication, that's true.  But it was such an 'aha' moment for me that selflessness is not always the best.


PNG
6 weeks left and counting.  

in a million different places

I feel like my life is in a bit of a mess right now.  I'm chasing after scholarships to help pay for school while not sure how to actually attend interviews back in Malaysia when shortlisted, trying to put my finances together so I can actually rent an apartment in Philly or get my I-20 documentation for my US visa application, squeezing time for orthodontists, physiotherapists as well as new and old friends here and there.  Oh, and work at the same time.

Somehow, I need to dig deep inside myself to find the strength to get through this.  Somehow, somewhere.

On a different note, I no longer remember his passwords.  That's a good thing, right?

unbelievable

I can't believe what just happened tonight.

state of confusion

Ran into him at the local gym today, which was completely NOT ideal! Especially not when I was about to go into a zumba class right in the middle of the gym.  Picture me in totally uncoordinated Latin American dance movements in aerobics.  Picture me in baggy XL shirt and shorts, sweating up a storm.  Picture me trying to do the body roll or booty shake while looking ridiculously silly. SO NOT ideal, SO not sexy.  He and his mates walking around the gym doing weights and chin-ups, why oh why oh why.

I did get a ride home though.  I was going to call for a cab when I ran into him.  On the way home, got lectured mad about taking cabs, about not driving myself.  Then he offered me driving lessons, and rides on weekends if I need them.  It's just a bit strange the way he said it and I didn't know how to react, really.  Coy, flirty, whiny, appreciative all didn't seem to work.  He called me sniffling lol.  I don't think we were made for conversations.

He had said on Sunday that he wanted to see me again before I leave for Turkey, but he didn't ask me out tonight.  So I guess that's not happening.

Shall I say again how confusing this all is?

unofficial rules

"What if he thought that I was not interested because of the text that I sent?"

It's crazy that dating games are overly complicated. The unofficial rules ("If he calls or texts you the day after, he's interested in a relationship" or "Never call/text first, wait for him to call/text otherwise he's just not into you"), which I don't even know really what they are, are...oxymoron as my friend put it.  How can rules be unofficial and yet be followed by many?

I've had boyfriends in the past but I've never been in the dating game.  No one had asked me out on a date before, no one had pursued me per se, no one had complimented me in a more-than-friends manner. 

So I got to say, I'm absolutely lost.  Let's see.

the world is cruel today

Despite my age, I know and I am sure that I am still rather immature in so many ways.  I don't like the weight of decisions on my shoulders.  I thought I would get better at managing my emotions.  I had hoped that with age comes natural wisdom and zen calmness on dealing with issues.  How can I be this young and that old at the same time?

Beyond that, I wished people cared enough about me.  Enough to say, we value you please stay longer.  Enough to say, we enjoy your company let's figure out how to work out weekend retreats.  Enough to say, yes it's an extra flight cost but it's okay.  I now realize that the system really makes or breaks you.  And although technically I came out of it with my head held high, it has broken me.  Is this the reality of the world, or is it the system? Would I be happier in another place?

I am privileged in many ways, I acknowledge that.  I also know that only I am making comparisons and passing judgments on myself all the time.  Thus the psychological need to feel wanted or cared about.  And here I am, trying to shake off the tears and remind myself that the world is always cruel and I have to find a way to not allow the world to hurt me as easily as it does right now.