when i first privatized and "abandoned" my previous blog, the intention was to have a public blog whereby i can write any jibberish that i want and post anything that i wish. of course, that also meant i had to be more careful about the choice of words, the tone of languages and the viewpoint of messages. but i could log my thoughts here and allow my friends to, so-to-speak, "update" themselves on what's going on with my life since i don't see them or talk to them as often as i want, and without the excess baggage from the old blog. acquaintances and random people sometimes drop by but there was never anything controversial or very private.
then THE THING happened and i needed an outlet, plus i knew my friends were watching out for me through my blog as well. in the process, i displayed my broken heart out in the open for everyone to read -- people who are my best friends, people who only knew me for a while, people who may not like me, and even strangers whom i never met or spoke to. looking back, it was the only way i could let people know how i was dealing with the situation because i simply could not talk about it without turning into a jelly crying machine, in public or not. you know the stories about not putting all your eggs in one basket, or about having your own successful career, or about boyfriends/fiances who break up relationships after 5, 7, or 10 years? in my deepest darkest hours, or more appropriately days, weeks and months, i ask myself how did i allow myself to arrive at this point of my life so shattered so lost and so pained.
months passed and so much more confidence regained in my career with so much more enjoyment and pride extracted from the work i do. maybe a little to late but fast forward to the "now" as i am coming to another juncture of change, of so much uncertainty and myriad of potential opportunities, and of upcoming sad goodbyes. but not too much different from before. still writing about the favorite black dress that will never come back to me because instead of his dad or him, the responsibility has now been passed on to his mom. what are the odds? still wondering whether i was stupid for getting braces on an impulse whenever i look at myself and see a smile that i do not recognize. will it be worth it? still hurting because despite everything, the hurt does not dissolve and it manifests itself in many evil forms.
3 comments:
i know exactly how that feels gurl. never mind, we'll grow stronger, day by day!
ganbatte kudasai!
I know that of all the people in the world, I am the last person you should take seriously, but I can't help myself. I have to reply to your post.
Motivation is always hard to come by and when you ask where do people find so much energy to do all the things that they do, I am reminded only of Steve Jobs. He said that the only way to be truly satisfied, is to do great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
And as for the measure of success, it is easy to fall into the trap of measuring success from the rules made by men just because we are part of the society that we live in. But I subscribe to what Morgan Freeman said in "The Bucket List":
You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.
As convoluted as it may sound, if you ever find the time, maybe it will be something good to think about. Feel free to ignore everything I say, as, once again, I have no business in budding into your personal life. I am just passing by.
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