it's the end of a road for me...

well...

...the dress is back.  finally.  it arrived in a very tattered envelope sent via regular mail.  what had i expected?  and yes, it does not magically make every pain and anger disappear.  and somehow, the dress is not as great as i remember it to be now.  i knew it would happen and perspectives do change over time i suppose.  but it's all good, because now i do not have any reason to have to communicate with him whatsoever.  i promise this will be the last time you'll read about the dress because it is no longer sitting at the back of his closet, but in mine.

 

thought of the day

when i first privatized and "abandoned" my previous blog, the intention was to have a public blog whereby i can write any jibberish that i want and post anything that i wish.  of course, that also meant i had to be more careful about the choice of words, the tone of languages and the viewpoint of messages.  but i could log my thoughts here and allow my friends to, so-to-speak, "update" themselves on what's going on with my life since i don't see them or talk to them as often as i want, and without the excess baggage from the old blog.  acquaintances and random people sometimes drop by but there was never anything controversial or very private.

then THE THING happened and i needed an outlet, plus i knew my friends were watching out for me through my blog as well.  in the process, i displayed my broken heart out in the open for everyone to read -- people who are my best friends, people who only knew me for a while, people who may not like me, and even strangers whom i never met or spoke to.  looking back, it was the only way i could let people know how i was dealing with the situation because i simply could not talk about it without turning into a jelly crying machine, in public or not.  you know the stories about not putting all your eggs in one basket, or about having your own successful career, or about boyfriends/fiances who break up relationships after 5, 7, or 10 years? in my deepest darkest hours, or more appropriately days, weeks and months, i ask myself how did i allow myself to arrive at this point of my life so shattered so lost and so pained.  

months passed and so much more confidence regained in my career with so much more enjoyment and pride extracted from the work i do.  maybe a little to late but fast forward to the "now" as i am coming to another juncture of change, of so much uncertainty and myriad of potential opportunities, and of upcoming sad goodbyes.  but not too much different from before.  still writing about the favorite black dress that will never come back to me because instead of his dad or him, the responsibility has now been passed on to his mom.  what are the odds?  still wondering whether i was stupid for getting braces on an impulse whenever i look at myself and see a smile that i do not recognize.  will it be worth it?  still hurting because despite everything, the hurt does not dissolve and it manifests itself in many evil forms.

switching gears a little: where do people find so much energy, so much passion, so much drive to be on top of things 99% of the time? and why, i ask, are we measured by how many successes or achievements we have secured, or by the good partner/spouse we have found, or by our god-given talents, or by the genes we inherit from our parents? doesn't sound very fair for someone to have it all right? ah yes, now this entire entry has not been very coherent but i think my hormones have run out of steam by now so will leave the questions hanging as i go cook myself another indomie and watch nonsense.

how to meet a guy?

People always say that there is a time when you simply move on to date other people after ending a relationship...I was thinking about it but it's definitely easier said than done, right?  There are so many complications to that, for example: 

1. Getting over being hung up about the past relationship
2. Thinking about meeting/dating other people
3. Actually meeting/finding people who are interested in going on a date with you
4. Doing the American dating thing (when you've never quite done it before)  

And with my job, you just don't have time to meet people, what more to say date people.  Plus, it's just 100x harder when you're not quite physically attractive.

Don't you guys think so?

why did you have to say that?

I don't know what it really means and I am pissed that he had to go and say something stupid like that.  Even if he means absolutely nothing, you know that us girls will start thinking and analyzing every single word, guessing the "deeper" meaning and going insane in the process. 

I need a hug =(

 

...and you wonder why I still have not quite moved on...

my dress leh?

10:40pmKaron

ooh can i just keep it

don't know why i don't feeel like sending it haha

10:41pmShin

dim gai dont feel like sending it ga

10:44pmKaron

ng g wor

one dress jei

one last request la ho ng ho

Day ???

I have indeed lost count of the days but still have not lost the traces and scents of the past at all. Still no dress.  Just f-ing give my dress back, seriously.


On a different note, given that it's a new year and that Chinese New Year is coming, things are looking a little better from last year.  It's really interesting how since the year started, I have found new friendships in the most unconventional ways.  A perfect stranger on facebook read and related to the stories on this blog.  Another perfect stranger on facebook asked me why I still had pictures of him on my profile album.  


Chopped my hair short; Did a lot of new things: zorbing, rock climbing (ended up being the laugh of the entire place), wakeboarding (ok, not so new to me); Had a lot of good/new food: kajang satay, filipino food (adobo, sisig, etc.); Got really sick on and off for 4 weeks now; and now I'm home for Chinese New Year so everything's good =).

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!