when i first privatized and "abandoned" my previous blog, the intention was to have a public blog whereby i can write any jibberish that i want and post anything that i wish. of course, that also meant i had to be more careful about the choice of words, the tone of languages and the viewpoint of messages. but i could log my thoughts here and allow my friends to, so-to-speak, "update" themselves on what's going on with my life since i don't see them or talk to them as often as i want, and without the excess baggage from the old blog. acquaintances and random people sometimes drop by but there was never anything controversial or very private.
then THE THING happened and i needed an outlet, plus i knew my friends were watching out for me through my blog as well. in the process, i displayed my broken heart out in the open for everyone to read -- people who are my best friends, people who only knew me for a while, people who may not like me, and even strangers whom i never met or spoke to. looking back, it was the only way i could let people know how i was dealing with the situation because i simply could not talk about it without turning into a jelly crying machine, in public or not. you know the stories about not putting all your eggs in one basket, or about having your own successful career, or about boyfriends/fiances who break up relationships after 5, 7, or 10 years? in my deepest darkest hours, or more appropriately days, weeks and months, i ask myself how did i allow myself to arrive at this point of my life so shattered so lost and so pained.
months passed and so much more confidence regained in my career with so much more enjoyment and pride extracted from the work i do. maybe a little to late but fast forward to the "now" as i am coming to another juncture of change, of so much uncertainty and myriad of potential opportunities, and of upcoming sad goodbyes. but not too much different from before. still writing about the favorite black dress that will never come back to me because instead of his dad or him, the responsibility has now been passed on to his mom. what are the odds? still wondering whether i was stupid for getting braces on an impulse whenever i look at myself and see a smile that i do not recognize. will it be worth it? still hurting because despite everything, the hurt does not dissolve and it manifests itself in many evil forms.
