Day 55

I'm trying not to count the days.  The days that just slip pass by focusing on work and focusing on nonsense when there is no work.  By focusing on something else, I try not to think about it and "let time do the healing" as every person tells me so, even him.  But I fail to see how that would work when I'm basically burying the pain and the source of the pain.  So that when time passes, I'll either have the strength to look back at the pain and say "screw you" or have no need to even look back at all??

ZV, I understand what you're trying to tell me.  I'm not mourning 24/7 for someone who has clearly made up his mind to erase me from his life and find love somewhere else.  What I'm doing is simply burying the pain that I feel because I got completely blindsided with no warning no sign.  The "what ifs" start playing in your mind and playing tricks on you because you cannot comprehend the situation.  Only on this blog can I surface this pain as I choose not to talk about it with people around me.  It seems easier to put words up then to say it. 

I don't know how to answer people when they ask me am I okay.  Obviously I'm devastated but I'm not stupid enough to believe that my life ends with him breaking up with me.  If I did, I'll probably not be here writing this but somewhere in between heaven and hell.  But no, I'm not okay.  I'm not okay because I was convinced I had found the one.  I'm not okay because this person I love will easily find another person to love and forget about my existence (and I won't be surprised if he has found someone else to love by now).  I'm not okay because I still love him.  

But I AM trying my hardest not to mourn over lost love.  I'm telling myself that it's time to focus on myself and make myself happy instead of relying on someone else for my happiness.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for "time" to kick in and "heal" me.