Day 113

I hate that he still affects me so deeply and that the mere thought of him can make me cry.  I hate dreaming of us getting back together and the false scenarios that play in my head.  I hate that I feel so unloved and unwanted and unworthy all because of him. 

Go away damn hormones!

Day 96

It hurts to see him travel to a place he had once promised to take me to, with people I have reasons to believe that he'll end up with, and wearing what I recently gave him.

And this is the reason that you're so busy that you can't even spend 10 minutes sending me back my dress?

Screw you.

Day 87

Weeds are very strong living things.  Its roots run so deep and grow in every imaginable direction.  You pull it out, thinking that you have removed it but ultimately, there's enough left behind that it thrives and grows again. 

On most days I can push memories of you aside and convince myself that it's for the better.  Fact is you have molded and shaped the person I have become and the experience I have as a person.  And that is not something I can push aside because I continue to dream about you and think about you unconsciously.  Removing you on the surface is only a temporary solution.  Your roots in me are far too deep, far too widespread.

Day 77

I am feeling lost.  I'd very much like to think that one day I'll be successful in my career or be happy with the man of my life.  For a long time, I was very content having one over the other and was okay about the other not quite working out.  But now that I have neither, it makes me wonder how much do I know myself and how much do I want things in my life.  If I really want to be successful, shouldn't that motivate me to pursue it?  Where is the drive in me?

When you left me standing there alone in the dark, you forgot to leave me a torchlight

 

Day 68

It would be a little easier if I do not keep having dreams of us getting back together.

Day 55

I'm trying not to count the days.  The days that just slip pass by focusing on work and focusing on nonsense when there is no work.  By focusing on something else, I try not to think about it and "let time do the healing" as every person tells me so, even him.  But I fail to see how that would work when I'm basically burying the pain and the source of the pain.  So that when time passes, I'll either have the strength to look back at the pain and say "screw you" or have no need to even look back at all??

ZV, I understand what you're trying to tell me.  I'm not mourning 24/7 for someone who has clearly made up his mind to erase me from his life and find love somewhere else.  What I'm doing is simply burying the pain that I feel because I got completely blindsided with no warning no sign.  The "what ifs" start playing in your mind and playing tricks on you because you cannot comprehend the situation.  Only on this blog can I surface this pain as I choose not to talk about it with people around me.  It seems easier to put words up then to say it. 

I don't know how to answer people when they ask me am I okay.  Obviously I'm devastated but I'm not stupid enough to believe that my life ends with him breaking up with me.  If I did, I'll probably not be here writing this but somewhere in between heaven and hell.  But no, I'm not okay.  I'm not okay because I was convinced I had found the one.  I'm not okay because this person I love will easily find another person to love and forget about my existence (and I won't be surprised if he has found someone else to love by now).  I'm not okay because I still love him.  

But I AM trying my hardest not to mourn over lost love.  I'm telling myself that it's time to focus on myself and make myself happy instead of relying on someone else for my happiness.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for "time" to kick in and "heal" me.

Day 48

He is happy, so it seems.

When will I be happy again?