dreams

The dreams do. not. stop. And when I wake up to reality, when the dreams seem to finally stop, I am mentally drained and completely out of energy. It's been long enough and I do not think about him much anymore. But I do acknowledge that there is a deeper issue that I'm simply burying. What to do?

Though, I am a bit more optimistic this time. In my dreams when we are back together, the conscious part of my sub-conscious told me that "HE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE" and "THINGS HAVE CHANGED" and "I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE".   Plus, my sub-conscious also did a great job of reminding me to kill the idea as we were killed/murdered at the end.

On a happier note, I am relieved, grateful and happy that I got into Wharton! 

nerve-wrecking weeks

I am worried sick.  I hit the Refresh button on my email a million times. I check the forums to hear what people are hearing back/talking about.  I log on to the application website to see if anything changed.  I look at my half-broken and cranky phone many many times to make sure that I can still receive calls.

I need to take a chill pill.

please stop the dreams

Newsflash: we are not getting back together.  Dreams that feel so real have got. to. stop.

sigh

Reminder to self: it is ALWAYS a mistake to kiss a good friend. Always. No exception.

His soft kisses still linger at the tip of my tongue, their impression imprinted on my lips. How do I forget the slow and sweet carefulness, his breathe right in front of mine?

My rational side tells me to not dissect and analyze the moment because we are just friends.

My emotional side is completely stirred up.

Hmm.

thank you for the music

Overall, I had an amazing weekend in Hong Kong.

In some ways, I think I managed to carve bits and pieces of Hong Kong that is my own.  I saw many friends from CSP and Dragon 100 that I have not seen in a very long time, friends that were not mutual.  And I wished more were able to meet me.  A long-time good friend who was always busy when I visited finally had time to spend with me and I am very happy and grateful for that.  We chatted till wee hours in the morning, and I wished we could have chatted more.  The weather was fa-bu-lous and it makes me wonder why the locals were walking around in winter coats.  I sang karaoke, walked from Causeway Bay to Soho/Central and had a great night out.  I also met up with old college friends and we planned our Turkey trip together.

Minus the manic panic before my interview, the stupid compulsion for texting him to meet up, and the tiredness at the end of the day from lugging my laptop around in heels, which all happened on a Monday so technically does not count as the weekend, I pretty much got what I asked for.  Probably even more so.

Amen.

hong kong

I wish I am able to make my own Hong Kong.  I love the vibrancy of the hustle and bustle.  I love the traditional hidden amidst the modern.  Of course, I absolutely love the tong sui at Hui Lau San as well as the char chan teng's polo pau and nai char in Wanchai.  However, every nook and cranny is laden of memories, which I should have already buried and forgotten but they linger and surface as they like.  And I've never felt more alone navigating my way through the busy streets of Hong Kong.  Once upon a time, I was blissful in Hong Kong.

I hope and pray for a little less painful memories and a little more happy experiences this weekend in Hong Kong.  

forgive me?

I'd like to know at what point that we all grew up and decisions became harder to make, especially the ones that does not make people happy either way.  What comes first? Family? Friends? Work? Impact? World peace?

A, if you're reading this, I'm really really sorry.  It's not confirmed yet that I'm missing your wedding for sure but the chances are there.  I honestly thought that everything would work out and that I can enjoy celebrating your happiest day and seeing you as a beautiful blushing bride.  But between emails that tell me that things are falling apart at work, and train schedules that tell me that I could potentially be only spending an hour or two at your wedding, and the fact that I would absolutely know no one at the wedding, and school interviews that would require me to take more time off work later this month, I am really struggling with what the right decision is.  

I wish I had a better reason, one that would not upset you or make you think of me lesser as a friend.  And no, I had not planned this or let you know this late on purpose and in fact, it only hit me 1-2 days ago.

Sorry =(