~mademoiselle*shopaholic~

What a mess

2011-12-14T10:52:00.000+08:00

Reading my last post, how did I get to where I am today? How did I go from being happy to turning into this constantly unhappy and pissed-off person, especially to you? It's cliched but it's the truth, you definitely deserve better than this. Maybe it's because I'm not ready for a committed relationship, maybe it's because I'm just not the person for you. There are plenty of maybes but the fact is you deserve so much better. I hate this angsty me and I tried to make it work, but I really do not like this person I've become. Will you hate me if I ask you to set me free?

I fail in life

2011-10-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

Stupid stupid stupid. I kept poking and prodding in so many different levels to see if he'll leave and now that he might actually leave, I realized that I don't want him to leave. But he's going to leave, and even if he stays, he's never going to look at me the same way anymore.

no time

2011-06-24T07:50:00.000+08:00

Time is running out. Leaving work on 1 July, leaving PNG on 4 July.

2011-06-21T12:24:00.000+08:00

Quite the irony that my blog's name is mademoiselle shopaholic but instead of talking about fashion or shopping, you guys get deluged with my random thoughts, public display of emotions and sappy emo-ness. But today is a bit different. Today, in tribute to my blog's name, poor thing, I want to share about something that I finally have the courage to do.

Meet Bianca Chain Continental Wallet.

25.05.2011

2011-05-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

There were so many instances in the last few weeks when I opened up my blog to ramble, vent, rant, fossilize some thoughts, learnings, memories, two cents just to feel so overwhelmed, jaded, tired, sick by all the shit to write it all down. Even now when I finally decided to pen something down, I don't know where to start. Maybe if I try to bucket them, as I am trained to as a consultant, it would make more sense as more words pour out.

Wharton
I was extremely excited when Wharton called me as I was boarding my flight from Singapore to KL. Screaming and doing the dance in my mind, I probably looked like a fool to everyone on the flight but who cares. I GOT INTO WHARTON. Not only did I get into Wharton, I was also offered a fellowship on the spot. How much crazy lucky can I get? So it doesn't matter anymore that my HBS interviewer destroyed me because the HBS panel thought that my experience in PNG was not rigorous enough, or that I never heard back from Stanford. Nagging at the back of my mind though, a scene flashed back from 2009 when an ex-colleague had actually said that if she were to be admitted to only Wharton, she would not bother going to business school. Scenarios of different people praising me about how smart I must be to get into Wharton also make me feel uncomfortable. What about all the other schools that I did not get into? That aside, the excitement has also tapered out because I am worried and stressed out about finances, visas and housing. I don't remember things being so difficult when I went to the US for the first time for my undergraduate studies.

N
I was having fun until N came along and tipped my world a little bit. N, despite my initial impression of him as a loud boisterous Aussie boy, has proven me wrong in so many different dimensions. Instead, he is sensitive and caring in many ways. Just when I thought this might be a fun short-term no-strings-attached dating game, he blindsided me. Friends we became, because short-term was not his thing. Seriously? That was refreshingly sweet. It's driving me nuts however, because I'm a sucker for hidden gem qualities in people and as a result, I am feeling more than I should and can afford to.

Me
I remember fighting a lot with my ex about me caring too much about what people think and sidelining myself or those around me for people who don't matter. I admit it. Most of the time, I do care about what people think and how I affect others. I do assume people would do vice versa and often end up in a sad position of being severely disappointed when people don't. I prioritize work over family and friends. I think about impact, clients, value, before I think about myself. I think shorter-term, rather than longer-term. A painful recent experience made me realize how I need to be a bit more selfish. No one is going to look out for me, but myself. I still have lots to learn about being a zen master and soft communication, that's true. But it was such an 'aha' moment for me that selflessness is not always the best.

PNG
6 weeks left and counting.

in a million different places

2011-05-10T21:15:00.001+08:00

I feel like my life is in a bit of a mess right now. I'm chasing after scholarships to help pay for school while not sure how to actually attend interviews back in Malaysia when shortlisted, trying to put my finances together so I can actually rent an apartment in Philly or get my I-20 documentation for my US visa application, squeezing time for orthodontists, physiotherapists as well as new and old friends here and there. Oh, and work at the same time.

Somehow, I need to dig deep inside myself to find the strength to get through this. Somehow, somewhere.

On a different note, I no longer remember his passwords. That's a good thing, right?

unbelievable

2011-04-12T19:48:00.001+08:00

I can't believe what just happened tonight.

state of confusion

2011-04-11T18:46:00.002+08:00

Ran into him at the local gym today, which was completely NOT ideal! Especially not when I was about to go into a zumba class right in the middle of the gym. Picture me in totally uncoordinated Latin American dance movements in aerobics. Picture me in baggy XL shirt and shorts, sweating up a storm. Picture me trying to do the body roll or booty shake while looking ridiculously silly. SO NOT ideal, SO not sexy. He and his mates walking around the gym doing weights and chin-ups, why oh why oh why.

I did get a ride home though. I was going to call for a cab when I ran into him. On the way home, got lectured mad about taking cabs, about not driving myself. Then he offered me driving lessons, and rides on weekends if I need them. It's just a bit strange the way he said it and I didn't know how to react, really. Coy, flirty, whiny, appreciative all didn't seem to work. He called me sniffling lol. I don't think we were made for conversations.

He had said on Sunday that he wanted to see me again before I leave for Turkey, but he didn't ask me out tonight. So I guess that's not happening.

Shall I say again how confusing this all is?

unofficial rules

2011-04-08T15:26:00.001+08:00

"What if he thought that I was not interested because of the text that I sent?"

It's crazy that dating games are overly complicated. The unofficial rules ("If he calls or texts you the day after, he's interested in a relationship" or "Never call/text first, wait for him to call/text otherwise he's just not into you"), which I don't even know really what they are, are...oxymoron as my friend put it. How can rules be unofficial and yet be followed by many?

I've had boyfriends in the past but I've never been in the dating game. No one had asked me out on a date before, no one had pursued me per se, no one had complimented me in a more-than-friends manner.

So I got to say, I'm absolutely lost. Let's see.

the world is cruel today

2011-04-05T19:38:00.001+08:00

Despite my age, I know and I am sure that I am still rather immature in so many ways. I don't like the weight of decisions on my shoulders. I thought I would get better at managing my emotions. I had hoped that with age comes natural wisdom and zen calmness on dealing with issues. How can I be this young and that old at the same time?

Beyond that, I wished people cared enough about me. Enough to say, we value you please stay longer. Enough to say, we enjoy your company let's figure out how to work out weekend retreats. Enough to say, yes it's an extra flight cost but it's okay. I now realize that the system really makes or breaks you. And although technically I came out of it with my head held high, it has broken me. Is this the reality of the world, or is it the system? Would I be happier in another place?

I am privileged in many ways, I acknowledge that. I also know that only I am making comparisons and passing judgments on myself all the time. Thus the psychological need to feel wanted or cared about. And here I am, trying to shake off the tears and remind myself that the world is always cruel and I have to find a way to not allow the world to hurt me as easily as it does right now.

dreams

2011-03-30T21:22:00.001+08:00

The dreams do. not. stop. And when I wake up to reality, when the dreams seem to finally stop, I am mentally drained and completely out of energy. It's been long enough and I do not think about him much anymore. But I do acknowledge that there is a deeper issue that I'm simply burying. What to do?

Though, I am a bit more optimistic this time. In my dreams when we are back together, the conscious part of my sub-conscious told me that "HE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE" and "THINGS HAVE CHANGED" and "I DON'T KNOW HIM ANYMORE". Plus, my sub-conscious also did a great job of reminding me to kill the idea as we were killed/murdered at the end.

On a happier note, I am relieved, grateful and happy that I got into Wharton!

nerve-wrecking weeks

2011-03-22T11:22:00.004+08:00

I am worried sick. I hit the Refresh button on my email a million times. I check the forums to hear what people are hearing back/talking about. I log on to the application website to see if anything changed. I look at my half-broken and cranky phone many many times to make sure that I can still receive calls.

I need to take a chill pill.

please stop the dreams

2011-03-18T09:14:00.000+08:00

Newsflash: we are not getting back together. Dreams that feel so real have got. to. stop.

sigh

2011-03-09T09:57:00.001+08:00

Reminder to self: it is ALWAYS a mistake to kiss a good friend. Always. No exception.

His soft kisses still linger at the tip of my tongue, their impression imprinted on my lips. How do I forget the slow and sweet carefulness, his breathe right in front of mine?

My rational side tells me to not dissect and analyze the moment because we are just friends.

My emotional side is completely stirred up.

Hmm.

thank you for the music

2011-03-03T18:20:00.004+08:00

Overall, I had an amazing weekend in Hong Kong.

In some ways, I think I managed to carve bits and pieces of Hong Kong that is my own. I saw many friends from CSP and Dragon 100 that I have not seen in a very long time, friends that were not mutual. And I wished more were able to meet me. A long-time good friend who was always busy when I visited finally had time to spend with me and I am very happy and grateful for that. We chatted till wee hours in the morning, and I wished we could have chatted more. The weather was fa-bu-lous and it makes me wonder why the locals were walking around in winter coats. I sang karaoke, walked from Causeway Bay to Soho/Central and had a great night out. I also met up with old college friends and we planned our Turkey trip together.

Minus the manic panic before my interview, the stupid compulsion for texting him to meet up, and the tiredness at the end of the day from lugging my laptop around in heels, which all happened on a Monday so technically does not count as the weekend, I pretty much got what I asked for. Probably even more so.

Amen.

hong kong

2011-02-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

I wish I am able to make my own Hong Kong. I love the vibrancy of the hustle and bustle. I love the traditional hidden amidst the modern. Of course, I absolutely love the tong sui at Hui Lau San as well as the char chan teng's polo pau and nai char in Wanchai. However, every nook and cranny is laden of memories, which I should have already buried and forgotten but they linger and surface as they like. And I've never felt more alone navigating my way through the busy streets of Hong Kong. Once upon a time, I was blissful in Hong Kong.

I hope and pray for a little less painful memories and a little more happy experiences this weekend in Hong Kong.

forgive me?

2011-02-06T17:31:00.000+08:00

I'd like to know at what point that we all grew up and decisions became harder to make, especially the ones that does not make people happy either way. What comes first? Family? Friends? Work? Impact? World peace?

A, if you're reading this, I'm really really sorry. It's not confirmed yet that I'm missing your wedding for sure but the chances are there. I honestly thought that everything would work out and that I can enjoy celebrating your happiest day and seeing you as a beautiful blushing bride. But between emails that tell me that things are falling apart at work, and train schedules that tell me that I could potentially be only spending an hour or two at your wedding, and the fact that I would absolutely know no one at the wedding, and school interviews that would require me to take more time off work later this month, I am really struggling with what the right decision is.

I wish I had a better reason, one that would not upset you or make you think of me lesser as a friend. And no, I had not planned this or let you know this late on purpose and in fact, it only hit me 1-2 days ago.

Sorry =(

is there anyone out there?

2011-01-24T14:01:00.002+08:00

holler if you read this blog and you actually know me in one way or another?

random thought that is less random but more stupid

2011-01-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

when he moved houses, did he throw away my bear? the one with my name, made with love by my friends? the one that he kept because he made me a bear, supposedly with love too, after his name? i've always wanted to ask for the bear back. but at this point, does it really matter?

what do you guys think?

=)

2011-01-13T07:09:00.002+08:00

All submitted! *GOES BACK TO SLEEP*

almost a sense of relief, but not quite yet

2011-01-12T14:14:00.001+08:00

FOUR business school applications submitted but still cannot exactly relax yet because ONE recommendation letter is still outstanding. At this point, I'm really at lost on what I can do anymore to make sure that the letter gets submitted. I've scheduled time blocks and reminders in his calendar through his secretary, spoken to him as well as emailed, texted and called him. 5 minutes before deadline: *CRICKET SOUNDS*.

After the deadline, I've again scheduled time blocks and reminders in his calendar. I've even sent a SOS email to my KL ex-colleagues to remind him when they see him.

Tell me, what else can I do?

hello 2011

2011-01-08T13:07:00.002+08:00

what a whirlwind of the first 7 days in 2011. from falling sick to panicking about my essays to flying back to PNG to falling even sicker. all leading to today whereby I am panicking yet again about my essays and this time it's worse. 5 essays unwritten and all due on Tuesday.

I think I'm having one hell of a great start to the year. Cheers!

au revoir 2010, bonjour 2011

2010-12-30T10:03:00.000+08:00

I'm off to Krabi in a few hours for some sun and beach, a much nicer way of crossing over from 2010 into 2011 than the alternative. Though, it's likely going to be me and my laptop next to the sun and beach. But at least I'm next to the sun and beach!

A little reflection and aspiration thinking:

10 memories from 2010

Leaving McKinsey but not leaving KLO
Moving to Papua New Guinea
Great time with old friends
Meeting new friends in the most random ways
Traveling through China on the CSP Reunion
More traveling (Italy, Korea, Dubai, Australia...)
Highlighting my hair!
New camera, new iPod touch, new glasses
Seeing the impact of the work I was part of
Turning a quarter-of-a-century-old

11 wishes for 2011

Get into a business school
Find the moolah to pay for business school (following #1)
Get my braces off before business school (following #2)
Exercise, eat less and lose some excess body fat
Travel, travel, travel (Fiji, Solomon Island)
Catch up on all the TV series and movies that I wanted to watch
Start reading the tons of the books that I bought but never read
Spend quality time with friends
"Procure" new gadgets: Kindle, laptop etc
Learn to speak Tok Pisin fluently
Make a difference in PNG beyond the work I'm doing

baci & abbraci

XOXO

slap

2010-12-28T09:33:00.002+08:00

wake up wake up wake up. seriously. what were you thinking?

au revoir

2010-12-27T11:39:00.000+08:00

I miss you already!

have lots of fun in France! don't do anything that I wouldn't do ;) remember to gorge on cheese BUT remember that you have to fit into a tiny dress soon so don't overdo it!! hope you get to wear all the pretty dresses that you bought although it'd be freezing cold most of the time. i wish i can go visit you!

counting down to "freedom"

2010-12-23T21:39:00.000+08:00

Did I mention that I'm very very very stressed out business school applications? God, please grant me beautiful writing skills just for this next 2 weeks!? Amen.

black abyss

2010-12-13T19:04:00.000+08:00

My hormones are definitely kicking in as I tried to stop myself from reading my old entries, but failed. The entries that people say I wrote beautifully about, about my broken heart, about my love tragedy. And I tried to stop myself from crying, but instead the tears fall.

I'd like to think that I have picked myself up and doing pretty okay on making myself happy. I'd like to think that I have managed to be a better person by being a friend now to him. I'd like to think that despite my broken heart and broken self, there will be someone out there who will care for me.

I have stopped counting how long ago it was that I fell down hard on my face. But the dreams do not stop occurring. And 99% of the time I am doing great. But tonight's not the night.

To my lovely friends who have always been there for me, I miss all of you. Truly and dearly. Very much so.

XOXO

word of advice by wise sages

2010-12-07T13:10:00.001+08:00

have all the fun and enjoy your youth, as long as it's not something you'd look back when you're old and regret doing.

i like.

playing with fire

2010-11-23T21:42:00.002+08:00

i think that there are too many shades of grey and blurred lines, and i'm crossing all of them right now.

no...

2010-11-15T05:01:00.000+08:00

...I do not have a boyfriend and I'm still single.

love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment of various definitions and scale, but no, I'm not referring to the unrequited or commitment-based attachment type. that is why I say that our paths cross but diverges greatly because there is no room for commitments and permanence. but I do have to say that I was trying to avoid even having emotions of temporary attachment because at moments like this when I know he's not mine and yet I'm jealous that he might be seeing other girls and not responding to my emails/sms, it's simply not healthy.

"EAT"

2010-11-08T12:03:00.007+08:00

how do I even begin to tell this story?

boy meets girl. boy tries to meet girl again. girl meets boy. girl thought she’ll never see boy again. girl meets boy again. we all wonder how the story ends though we are pretty damn sure that the ending ain’t gonna be pretty. both boy and girl know that there isn’t an ending written for them together. their paths crossed now but are heading in completely opposite directions. and although it hurts to say goodbye each time, how can boy and girl give up on the idea of love?

call it naivety, call it stupidity. but perhaps girl should be glad that she is still capable of loving. that she still has space in her heart for someone. that she can open her heart to the sweetness and the pain of love.

shopaholic

2010-10-27T21:03:00.000+08:00

there is something positively uplifting about shopping. ANY kind of shopping...even if it's only grocery shopping. i feel so happy to see the multiple displays of items, the choices and making the choice, swiping that credit card or handing over hard cold cash. ok, the last one sounds a bit neurotic. maybe i need to control my need for retail therapy...

on paying last respects...

2010-09-22T15:45:00.005+08:00

It is done. I have bought my tickets to hong kong for less than 24 hours. Almost 14 months has gone past since I last set foot on the land which I had more than 3 years of memories of. But why less than 24 hours? Alas, a lot of things have indeed happened and changed. Not all bad, but not all good either.

I have decided to go to pay my last respects to the person who was pretty much part of my life for more than 3 years. She took me shopping, showed me how to cook her famous dishes, included me in the family vacations. In one shape or form, like it or not, she had a hand in making me what I am today.

Still not sure whether it's the best idea as yet. But I think of the alternative, and for now, I don't think I can choose not to go.

Manus

2010-09-16T20:37:00.001+08:00

Manus is the smallest province in Papua New Guinea and made up of many small islands. It is reputedly beautiful with colorful marine life and clear waters. Unfortunately, it is facing serious threats of coastal flooding and/or sinking islands from rising sea levels.

Off to Manus for the next 6 days for work...wish me luck!

alotau, milne bay

2010-09-02T21:22:00.002+08:00

Gorgeous breakfast view from Ulumani Treetop Lodge overlooking the top of the trees

Lonesome church on top of the hill on Kwato Island

Kids fishing on the old pier of the once glorious capital -- Samarai Island

Smiling kids playing near a shipwreck at Waga Waga

Blue shallow waters and an abandoned pier on Kwato Island

Massive raintree (read: Avatar-like!) next to makeshift rugby field in Waga Waga

around the world...

2010-09-01T11:43:00.001+08:00

I left in the middle of July for 4 weeks of travel with the full honest intention to blog everyday and to fossilize the different experiences and observations. Well, someone should have told me that blogger (and facebook!) does not work in China =S. Internet was harder to come by then I had expected, and I had completely underestimated how tired I would be at the end of each day. I didn't get too far after Day 10 or so. After 30 days across Hangzhou-Shanghai-Nanjing-Beijing-Milan-Portofino-Rome-Phuket-Seoul-Singapore, it is extremely painful to go back to work!

Guess where I am now?

Day 8 - Beijing

2010-07-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

What was expected to be another dry speech or forum turned out to be an amazing morning of discussions on what it is like to return to China and how our career paths may or may not fit into the grand scheme of China's rapid development. Great guest speakers who brought a lot of personal stories and insights to the discussion. Back to the People's Great Hall, with memories of excitement and awe from four years ago, to meet XXX and have an official photo taken with him. Rows of purple jackets lined up in small platforms, dangerously high and safety hazard for the high-heeled, all awaiting his arrival. Photo taken, speech given and after many rounds of applause, we were free to take as many pictures as we want inside. The great China food adventure starts tonight with the grand search for...dog meat! Ended up in a Korean restaurant which serves dog meat...cooked in kimchi soup =p. Some disappointment in the group (not me!) for not being able to choose the unfortunate dog that would be served on our table. Let's just say that if you love mutton, you would probably love dog meat. But for me, for the same reasons why I don't like mutton, dog meat has this strong gamely taste. I hereby declare that I will never eat dog meat ever again!!

Day 7 - Beijing

2010-07-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

Train chugs along; deep slumber under warm covers; morning light shines through the windows. Annoying blasting music; shouting food cart-pushers; piercing smell of cigarette smoke. Hearty breakfast of four slices of bread, ham sliced, fried egg and hot soy milk =). Very different from my experience four years ago with a weird-colored egg yolk in my hard-boiled egg. Train arrived. Stepping out of the train carriage, a car appears right in front of me, on the freaking platform! Craziness!! Penguin walk, shuffling our way out of the sardine-packed station. Beijing University, reunited with people from the Suzhou/Wuxi and Hangzhou trips, as well as people who only came for the Grand Reunion. Discussion forum, segregated by regions, together with the new kids from CSP10. A lot of talk about how far China has come and how much further China can go in terms of economic and social development. Line-up practice for the photo session tomorrow; as always standing with the boys because of height. Drinks at 1949; very hard to get a taxi and very hard to find the place but a very nice place with art galleries. Dancing at Mix; very far to walk and very hard to find the people but really fun place with good music. Tomorrow is another day!

Day 6 - Nanjing

2010-07-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

6am wake-up calls are simply cruel! Long day ahead, beginning at the Zhongshan Mountain Scenic Area. Beamless Hall (Wu Liang Dian) which houses the monument to the National Revolutionary Army in the Anti-Japanese War who died fighting and opens to the first cemetery of these heroes. Linggu Pagoda which is impossible to climb in five minutes so naturally gave up on the idea. The "highlight" was Dr Sun Yat-Sen's Mausoleum (Zhongshan Ling) but to climb 392 steps to see the coffin chamber which does not even house his body was quite the "downlight". The entrance to the chamber was so tiny that once people were streaming in, it was impossible to get out. The walls of the chamber were wet from humidity and it felt like a sauna in there sans the enjoyment. Finally getting out was like finally getting the first gasp of air after suffocating.
In the afternoon, we went to the Ming Shao Ling Museum, which honors the first Ming emperor who was actually a commoner. Besides a couple people falling asleep at the bookstore, it was indeed a yawner...but the Ming Tomb of the Great Ming Dynasty was awesome! Each emperor who came to honor the emperors before him is taken through the Sacred Way, which we leisurely strolled along. The first section of the Sacred Way is flanked by sitting then standing lions, Xiezhi (bear-eyed unicorn), camels, elephants, Qiling (unicorn) and horses. The second section is flanked by balusters, generals and civil officials. Upon arriving at the tomb, we realized that it has never been excavated and on the wall surrounding the hill-like tombs was carved "Here lies the tomb of the great emperor Ming Shao Ling".
By now, our official polo shirts were completely soaked with sweat...and we were supposed to board the overnight train to Beijing without showering today or tomorrow. Yes, gross indeed. In the end, the tour took us to a hotel to clean-up but room charges would be personal. The real craziness and experience of CSP begins - 3 guys and 3 girls to share a room to shower and wash/dry our polo shirts in one hour! The rush and exhilaration, jumping over six luggages all laid out on the floor, two hairdryers and three chargers going. BLACKOUT! 10 minutes to go and we were in pitch darkness trying to pack up and dry our wet shirts; flashlight and handphone lights come on trying to find what our eyes cannot see otherwise. The room opposite hapenned to be occupied by our group mates so we invaded their room when they left. Final mad rush to the bus and happy to discover that Sarah had negotiated our room rate from RMB440 to RMB300 because of the blackout! On-board the 6-bed sleeper train to Beijing, Big Two card games, lame bao jokes (which cracked them up completely!), disturbing IQ stories, annoying pattern games. The "younger" CSPers conked out in bed waaay earlier than the "older" ones. What a day!!!

Day 5 - Nanjing

2010-07-16T23:59:00.001+08:00

Rainy relaxed day visiting enterprises in Nanjing - Sharp, LG etc. Good time to catch up on loat sleep. Nap, visit, nap, visit, nap, visit. 21-course lunch and 23-course dinner; yummy and happy. Sad reflective afternoon visiting the memorial museum of the Nanjing massacre. The memorial museum was more well done than expected and spans over quite a big plot of land. Disturbing pictures of the horrifying acts; haunting testimonials of the killings and rapes. Estimated 300,000 people died. Stones covering the entire compound not to be stepped on to honor the deceased. Experience spoilt yet again by shoving locals jostling their way to the displays and jostling their way out in a split second without pausing to read, think or see the atrocities. Free and easy night of yet another round of foot massage, falling asleep. Zzz...

Day 4 - Shanghai/Nanjing

2010-07-15T23:59:00.001+08:00

Day 2 of the Shanghai World Expo - Myanmar, Laos, Vietnam, Bosnia and Belarus. Seven-hour wait for the Japan pavilion was impossible; hot humid weather was suffocating; shoving locals were literally everywhere and cutting queues. Why do parents inflict on their children this kind of unnecessary discomfort by dragging them here if they will not remember anything from the expo? Starbucks haven to shelter from the rain and to rest our feet =). Ferry ride back to Puxi - people running into the ferry, we whipped out our colorful stools while waiting in line, a kid sprint to snatch my stool in a split second as I got up to take a photo. Free wi-fi at the Cisco pavilion =) =). Train to Nanjing; curry-flavored, almond-flavored, milk-flavored, tomato-flavored pocky. Lump in my throat, falling sick I am. Midnight supper of xiehuang bao (big xiaolong bao). Foot massage in the early a.m. to dissolve the painful memories from all the walking at the Shanghai World Expo =) =) =). Hello, Nanjing!

Day 3 - Shanghai

2010-07-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

Shanghai World Expo. Herds of people break into run once they pass the entrance. Mothers pulling their children along, dragging them on their feet. VIP access to the China Pavilion!! Power walked to the Japan Pavilion; frantic search for the end of the line: 6-hour wait =(. Gave up and power walked to the Korea Pavilion: 5-hour wait =(. Gave up. Chinese proverb rings true...people mountain people sea. Shove, push, jostle, elbow, spit spit spit. Fake children imagined up just to get in front of the line. Human barricade of five CSPers - no, you are not getting past us! Colorful plastic foldable stools, RMB10, let's sit down wherever whenever. This kid digging pebbles out of the new pavement under the watchful eyes of his parents. That kid speeding toward reserved seats, pulling off the barricade in a split second. This kid pulling down his pants, peeing onto a tree in plain sight. This adult climbing over railings to get in front. That adult pressing his body against others because he does not care for personal space. All never apologetic, never feeling guilty. New Zealand, Brunei, Philippines, Australia, Malaysia, Portugal, Nigeria, South Africa, USA, Germany. Ahh Germany, for you I waited 3 hours and suffered through massive migraine and nausea just to see you. And boy was I reminded why I would not visit China on my own or go to places where there are a lot of Chinese people. TAI DUO REN!!!

Day 2 - Hangzhou/Shanghai

2010-07-13T23:59:00.003+08:00

Early morning rise to walk to Xi Hu. Sleepy heads and droopy eyes. Air, thick and pregnant with moisture, suffocating pores and windpipes. A school of elderly Chinese practising tai-chi in sync by the lake, a woman walking backwards, a daughter exercising with her father. Joining the school of elderly Chinese practising tai-chi not-so in sync by the lake. Ballroom dancing old couples, heartwrenchingly cute. Singing traditional Chinese songs with the locals, us Lao Wai. Eyes lit up at the sight of capitalism next to the singing ladies - oh the goodness of grande starbucks coffee frappucino with no whipped cream!
Hangzhou train station - falling rain, no cabs, motor rickshaw with luggage up to the nose. Too many people, WAY too many people. Cutting queues, running luggage over feet, pushing and shoving. Human penguin walk shuffling into the train carriage, worried the others will not make the train on time...woohoo! They made it! Tired out and knocked out. Arrived at Shanghai South station. Human penguin walk shuffling out of the train station. Final leg to the hotel. Finally registered and the Chinese Synergy Programme kicks off! Don't remember what it feels like to socialize with so many strangers...so many people but yet still alone. Hmm...Hello, Shanghai!

Day 1 - Hangzhou

2010-07-12T23:59:00.001+08:00

Savoring milk pudding in the sweltering heat as we nagivated through the unfamiliar weaves of bicycles, motorcycles, cars, buses and human traffic. Where things do not work the same way and people do not act the same way. Great food and ambience at Wai Po Jia. 25RMB to ride tandem-bike around the famous Xi Hu the whole afternoon. Thinking to myself that I should really learn how to cycle. Warm summer breeze in the face and in the hair, the misty lake on both side, trees reaching their branches out sweeping their leaves on passer-bys. Ringing the bell and yelling for the people in front to watch out for the carelessly careening bike coming. Riding next to the scarily big buses, hoping neither the bus nor the bike will accidentally infringe on each other's path. Bird's eye view of Hangzhou from Lei Feng Tat, city on one side and mountains on three others. Impressed by the bicycle system set up to easily allow the Chinese to rent bicycles from anywhere and return them anywhere. Simple appreciation of the great invention called air-conditioning. Racing up the many bridges across the dams of Xi Hu, overtaking the golf carts that chaffeured tired sweaty visitors. Musical fountain, majestic and magical. Bliss of the familiar mango pomelo dessert from honeymoon dessert. Sweating bullets, realizing diet plans will have to wait, enjoying the moment. Watching Yue Fei Miao from the outside, short of time short of motivation to explore short of desire to pay RMB25. Sinfully deliciously fatty dongpo meat, refreshingly tasty longjing tea - Lou Wai Lou at Bai Ti. Striking interesting conversations with the local taxi drivers, with the new travel companions, with myself =).

Day 0 - KL/Hangzhou

2010-07-11T23:59:00.003+08:00

Last minute mad rush to the airport, no luggage lock no foreign currency. New friends who will be my travel companions, hi! Long wait in line, silent current of chaos and frustration in the air, system down during check-in, planes delayed. Freezing cold plane, inhibiting much-needed sleep, high-pitched loud Chinese people. Warm milo for defrosting me, nose still icy-cold. Smoothest landing ever by Air Asia X, murphy's law strike at immigration lines, took some time to find the cabs. Midnight supper, free wi-fi, hot humid night air, falling asleep watching the World Cup finals in the hotel room with the boys. Hello, Hangzhou!

Day 0: KL-Hangzhou

2010-07-11T10:01:00.001+08:00

off to a whirlwind of adventures! if you want to find out more, stay tuned =D

good lazy sunday

2010-06-30T19:56:00.002+08:00

Last Sunday, I had a really good relaxed and chilled-out time with good food and good friends =). I met up with the boys (Alvin & Jet) after their Standard Chartered KL Marathon -- which, by the way, they turned up very late for their 10km run and had to do the 5km run instead because they had the wrong starting time in mind *SWEAT DROP* -- and we went on a breakfast hunt. We ended up at Taste of Foochow. Although my mom is Foochow and I grew up eating Foochow food, apparently the Foochow food in Sarawak is different from the ones in West Malaysia because I did not recognize any of them haha...

Different types of fishball -- the special one being the Foochow fishball, which has meat stuffing. Not such a huge fan as I still prefer fishballs to remain as fishballs =p.

Deep-fried fishball. Very good and springy in texture but according to my mom, springy fishball has added bicarbonate or something to produce the texture =(. And very little fish. But it's so fun to eat! Here's the funny part -- the owners spoke to us in Cantonese so it was a little bit disorienting and we just kept nodding and said "yiu" to everything. So we ended up with a lot of food =D.

Very yummy Foochow pancake. According to Alvin, the story behind this dish is that the owner was making this for his own family but the customers saw it and wanted to try them. Even now, you can see the owner sitting in the corner on a stool making these pancakes. Once, the son jokingly teased his dad (the owner) for not manning his pancake station and something about that scene that is just so heart-tugging and cute =).

Handmade egg noodle fishball soup. The soup was delicious and the noodle...well, as the boys put it, I don't particularly enjoy food which are tasteless in the centre. And this includes big fat noodles and taufu fa. Yes, even taufu fa =S.

Red wine mee sua with chicken. This is the most interesting one of all because red wine mee sua in Sarawak is very different! In Sarawak, the dish is basically mee sua in chicken soup + clearer red wine. In West Malaysia, the mee sua is cooked in ang zao (红槽) and I've only had chicken cooked in ang zao. So this was very very interesting =D.

After that, we chilled by the pool. Given that I'm moving out soon and that I've never used the pool at my condo, it seemed like the most appropriate time to do that. The sun was in hiding and the water was freezing cold but it was really fun to hang out with the boys. I'm still learning how to swim breaststroke and Alvin's still learning how to swim freestyle. And the state swimmer just watches us and laughs.

I cannot think of anything better than a good cup of cappuccino after the cold swim =D. There's something about a cuppa that warms you up slowly inside, followed by feelings of fuzziness and happiness. And at Palate Palette, we played board games as we savored our cuppa and food...snake & ladders, aeroplane chess, scrabble...obviously I wished the happy day did not need to end.

Definitely looking forward to a good break from everything!

what a week =)

2010-06-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

it's been a whirlwind of emotions this week. what with me leaving the firm soon, having to pack my worldly possessions yet again and move out, dreaming a vivid scenario of getting back together with him, doing a studio photoshoot with Kumitaa & Aliaa for the fun of it, catching up on lost time with Kumitaa, being frustrated at work over numbers, being told by the radiologist that I cannot get my MRI scan because I have braces on when the doctor should have told me that instead and after I had rushed to the hospital for my MRI appointment, getting shit treatment from his nurse when we would expect to be treated better because it's a private hospital, forgetting my IC at a service counter, having Mabel over to make sure packing gets done, meeting up with high school friends over roti seafood, roti Beckham, roti Hawaii and lo shu fan, eating at Prime Steakhouse for the first time, having to schedule to get my braces removed for the MRI scan and get my braces back on after that.

it's really a bit too much drama for one week.

to auto-pilot or to re-boot?

2010-06-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

I'll admit it. I'll totally admit that throughout my entire existence, I have someone managed to shuffle along the paths and bobbed together with the waves. Not that it was particularly easy, but things did just kinda fall into place one by one for me. Just when no one believed that I'd get the scholarship to study in Singapore, I was suddenly on my way there. Just when I think I had failed my public exam, I actually got straight As. Just when I thought SAT was really impossible, I did much better than I had expected. Just when I was doomed to fail Honors Calc because I was bottom of the class during the midterms, I bounced back with a B+. Just when I lost my first elections, I won the next. Just when plans for summer internship were going downhill, I got an internship with Abbott. Just when all job interviews had not worked out, I got into McKinsey.

And frankly, as I reflect back on my life while writing this, I'm terribly conflicted on what I'm feeling right now. Have I really achieved all these, or have I really been handed all these things and have just been moving along conveniently? What is the one extraordinarily cool thing that I've done? None?

Yes, I'm leaving McKinsey in a few weeks. Yes, I'm moving onto the next phase in life, whatever that means. And in one night, over a dinner, I had gone from being pretty damn sure what I wanted to do for the next year because the opportunities were sitting there ripe and ready to be picked to being completely lost and miserable because what if I was just shuffling along yet again? What if I'm just on auto-pilot? What if I always end up taking the traveled path? But why not? I don't even know why my face is wet right now.

Here's when a dash of good 'ole American ego-boosting confidence would really come in handy =(

it's the end of a road for me...

2010-06-04T10:38:00.002+08:00

well...

2010-05-25T13:40:00.000+08:00

...the dress is back. finally. it arrived in a very tattered envelope sent via regular mail. what had i expected? and yes, it does not magically make every pain and anger disappear. and somehow, the dress is not as great as i remember it to be now. i knew it would happen and perspectives do change over time i suppose. but it's all good, because now i do not have any reason to have to communicate with him whatsoever. i promise this will be the last time you'll read about the dress because it is no longer sitting at the back of his closet, but in mine.

thought of the day

2010-04-29T20:13:00.001+08:00

when i first privatized and "abandoned" my previous blog, the intention was to have a public blog whereby i can write any jibberish that i want and post anything that i wish. of course, that also meant i had to be more careful about the choice of words, the tone of languages and the viewpoint of messages. but i could log my thoughts here and allow my friends to, so-to-speak, "update" themselves on what's going on with my life since i don't see them or talk to them as often as i want, and without the excess baggage from the old blog. acquaintances and random people sometimes drop by but there was never anything controversial or very private.

then THE THING happened and i needed an outlet, plus i knew my friends were watching out for me through my blog as well. in the process, i displayed my broken heart out in the open for everyone to read -- people who are my best friends, people who only knew me for a while, people who may not like me, and even strangers whom i never met or spoke to. looking back, it was the only way i could let people know how i was dealing with the situation because i simply could not talk about it without turning into a jelly crying machine, in public or not. you know the stories about not putting all your eggs in one basket, or about having your own successful career, or about boyfriends/fiances who break up relationships after 5, 7, or 10 years? in my deepest darkest hours, or more appropriately days, weeks and months, i ask myself how did i allow myself to arrive at this point of my life so shattered so lost and so pained.

months passed and so much more confidence regained in my career with so much more enjoyment and pride extracted from the work i do. maybe a little to late but fast forward to the "now" as i am coming to another juncture of change, of so much uncertainty and myriad of potential opportunities, and of upcoming sad goodbyes. but not too much different from before. still writing about the favorite black dress that will never come back to me because instead of his dad or him, the responsibility has now been passed on to his mom. what are the odds? still wondering whether i was stupid for getting braces on an impulse whenever i look at myself and see a smile that i do not recognize. will it be worth it? still hurting because despite everything, the hurt does not dissolve and it manifests itself in many evil forms.

switching gears a little: where do people find so much energy, so much passion, so much drive to be on top of things 99% of the time? and why, i ask, are we measured by how many successes or achievements we have secured, or by the good partner/spouse we have found, or by our god-given talents, or by the genes we inherit from our parents? doesn't sound very fair for someone to have it all right? ah yes, now this entire entry has not been very coherent but i think my hormones have run out of steam by now so will leave the questions hanging as i go cook myself another indomie and watch nonsense.

how to meet a guy?

2010-03-24T01:47:00.000+08:00

People always say that there is a time when you simply move on to date other people after ending a relationship...I was thinking about it but it's definitely easier said than done, right? There are so many complications to that, for example:

Getting over being hung up about the past relationship
Thinking about meeting/dating other people
Actually meeting/finding people who are interested in going on a date with you
Doing the American dating thing (when you've never quite done it before)

And with my job, you just don't have time to meet people, what more to say date people. Plus, it's just 100x harder when you're not quite physically attractive.

Don't you guys think so?

why did you have to say that?

2010-03-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

I don't know what it really means and I am pissed that he had to go and say something stupid like that. Even if he means absolutely nothing, you know that us girls will start thinking and analyzing every single word, guessing the "deeper" meaning and going insane in the process.

I need a hug =(

...and you wonder why I still have not quite moved on...

2010-03-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

my dress leh?

10:40pmKaron

ooh can i just keep it

don't know why i don't feeel like sending it haha

10:41pmShin

dim gai dont feel like sending it ga

10:44pmKaron

ng g wor

one dress jei

one last request la ho ng ho

Day ???

2010-02-13T23:05:00.000+08:00

I have indeed lost count of the days but still have not lost the traces and scents of the past at all. Still no dress. Just f-ing give my dress back, seriously.

On a different note, given that it's a new year and that Chinese New Year is coming, things are looking a little better from last year. It's really interesting how since the year started, I have found new friendships in the most unconventional ways. A perfect stranger on facebook read and related to the stories on this blog. Another perfect stranger on facebook asked me why I still had pictures of him on my profile album.

Chopped my hair short; Did a lot of new things: zorbing, rock climbing (ended up being the laugh of the entire place), wakeboarding (ok, not so new to me); Had a lot of good/new food: kajang satay, filipino food (adobo, sisig, etc.); Got really sick on and off for 4 weeks now; and now I'm home for Chinese New Year so everything's good =).

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

Day 159

2009-12-31T14:13:00.000+08:00

May I look back at 2009 one day and sincerely believe/know that it is all for the better.

p.s.: still no dress.

Day 135

2009-12-07T18:48:00.001+08:00

...and still no dress

Day 113

2009-11-15T18:50:00.000+08:00

I hate that he still affects me so deeply and that the mere thought of him can make me cry. I hate dreaming of us getting back together and the false scenarios that play in my head. I hate that I feel so unloved and unwanted and unworthy all because of him.

Go away damn hormones!

Day 96

2009-10-29T09:20:00.001+08:00

It hurts to see him travel to a place he had once promised to take me to, with people I have reasons to believe that he'll end up with, and wearing what I recently gave him.

And this is the reason that you're so busy that you can't even spend 10 minutes sending me back my dress?

Screw you.

Day 87

2009-10-20T23:03:00.000+08:00

Weeds are very strong living things. Its roots run so deep and grow in every imaginable direction. You pull it out, thinking that you have removed it but ultimately, there's enough left behind that it thrives and grows again.

On most days I can push memories of you aside and convince myself that it's for the better. Fact is you have molded and shaped the person I have become and the experience I have as a person. And that is not something I can push aside because I continue to dream about you and think about you unconsciously. Removing you on the surface is only a temporary solution. Your roots in me are far too deep, far too widespread.

Day 77

2009-10-10T21:12:00.000+08:00

I am feeling lost. I'd very much like to think that one day I'll be successful in my career or be happy with the man of my life. For a long time, I was very content having one over the other and was okay about the other not quite working out. But now that I have neither, it makes me wonder how much do I know myself and how much do I want things in my life. If I really want to be successful, shouldn't that motivate me to pursue it? Where is the drive in me?

When you left me standing there alone in the dark, you forgot to leave me a torchlight

Day 68

2009-09-30T00:21:00.002+08:00

It would be a little easier if I do not keep having dreams of us getting back together.

Day 55

2009-09-17T00:51:00.000+08:00

I'm trying not to count the days. The days that just slip pass by focusing on work and focusing on nonsense when there is no work. By focusing on something else, I try not to think about it and "let time do the healing" as every person tells me so, even him. But I fail to see how that would work when I'm basically burying the pain and the source of the pain. So that when time passes, I'll either have the strength to look back at the pain and say "screw you" or have no need to even look back at all??

ZV, I understand what you're trying to tell me. I'm not mourning 24/7 for someone who has clearly made up his mind to erase me from his life and find love somewhere else. What I'm doing is simply burying the pain that I feel because I got completely blindsided with no warning no sign. The "what ifs" start playing in your mind and playing tricks on you because you cannot comprehend the situation. Only on this blog can I surface this pain as I choose not to talk about it with people around me. It seems easier to put words up then to say it.

I don't know how to answer people when they ask me am I okay. Obviously I'm devastated but I'm not stupid enough to believe that my life ends with him breaking up with me. If I did, I'll probably not be here writing this but somewhere in between heaven and hell. But no, I'm not okay. I'm not okay because I was convinced I had found the one. I'm not okay because this person I love will easily find another person to love and forget about my existence (and I won't be surprised if he has found someone else to love by now). I'm not okay because I still love him.

But I AM trying my hardest not to mourn over lost love. I'm telling myself that it's time to focus on myself and make myself happy instead of relying on someone else for my happiness.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for "time" to kick in and "heal" me.

Day 48

2009-09-10T23:16:00.003+08:00

He is happy, so it seems.

When will I be happy again?

Day 43

2009-09-06T00:17:00.001+08:00

I know he doesn't read my blog...but

happy birthday to you and I hope that you're really happy with your life now.

Day 40

2009-09-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to be happy anymore...

Day 37

2009-08-31T17:36:00.002+08:00

When my heart was given away 3 years ago, I thought I had given it to mr. right. And the thing about giving your heart away is that once it's given away, you can't take it back. So when he decided to lock it away and forget about me, it's the same as taking my heart and stabbing it a million times or pouring salt on it till it shriveled and shrunk. I realize that I no longer have a heart to give away anymore.

I simply cannot comprehend what has happened in the last month or so that has changed my life forever. I keep having dreams of us getting back together but in reality, I know that he has made up his mind and will never go back on the decision. How did that happen?

Day 34

2009-08-28T12:16:00.001+08:00

Shreds of you hidden in so many places.

Day 30

2009-08-24T21:57:00.001+08:00

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Day 26

2009-08-21T22:07:00.003+08:00

Today I found out that he had passed his CFA. I remembered his first CFA and me being there for him through his darkest moments. I remembered contemplating flying over to Hong Kong at the spur of the moment just to provide him the moral support for this second CFA although I was going over in another week's time.

For the first second, I was VERY happy for him until the next second when utter deep sadness struck me and reminded me that this has nothing to do with me anymore. I'm not the one he wants to celebrate this with anymore and I'll not be the person to support him through his third CFA.

Day 24

2009-08-19T22:24:00.001+08:00

don't know what to do with my life anymore

Day 23

2009-08-18T23:01:00.002+08:00

" I'm sorry", "You'll find someone better than me"

Day 22

2009-08-17T21:38:00.001+08:00

I cried till my eyes were swollen again. Sigh.

Day 21

2009-08-16T21:20:00.002+08:00

No internet connectivity in Singapore, thus the short hiatus.

Saw many things that reminded me of him. It's been really sad to be reminded of all the future plans and dreams we made together that will never happen now...it's very hard when you poured your heart and soul into thinking that you'll grow old with this one person, have a family together and be there for each other for a long long time.

Clearly, I don't know how to let go.

Day 18

2009-08-13T20:55:00.000+08:00

God, please make everything okay again. Please.

Day 17

2009-08-12T22:08:00.003+08:00

I cry and cry each day till I get too tired to cry then I sleep but I wonder how does one get over it...everybody says time will heal time will make it feel better...but will it? I can appear to be okay and smile and be cheerful but that's just pretending that everything's okay...

I love him, I still do. I still want to be with him, be by his side, make him happy and take care of him. Call me stupid, but that's the sad truth.

Day 16

2009-08-11T23:09:00.000+08:00

Seriously, wake up.

Day 15

2009-08-10T22:47:00.001+08:00

someone please wake me up from this nightmare...

Day 14

2009-08-09T22:51:00.002+08:00

Perhaps there is some truth in the old movies when mothers tell their daughters to find a man who loves them more than they love him back...

I am sorry that although you tell me to stop loving you, I cannot.

Day 13

2009-08-08T17:34:00.001+08:00

REMINDER TO SELF: he dumped you...so stop having dreams about getting back together...

Day 12

2009-08-07T16:32:00.000+08:00

The braces hurt...

...but it's nothing compared to the pain in my heart

Day 11

2009-08-06T22:08:00.002+08:00

His parents kept asking when I'm going to get braces when we were in Vancouver...

...I finally got braces today.

Day 10

2009-08-05T21:44:00.002+08:00

I am determined not to shed a tear today...so please do not ask "Are you okay?"

Day 9

2009-08-04T20:41:00.001+08:00

How do you remove everything that reminds you of him when EVERYTHING reminds you of him?

Day 8

2009-08-03T18:50:00.000+08:00

No more hugs.

No more kisses.

No more love.

No more future plans.

No more dreams.

No more hopes.

No more best friend.

No more...

Day 7

2009-08-02T23:55:00.000+08:00

I cannot stop loving him despite all this.

Day 6

2009-08-01T21:01:00.003+08:00

Three years ago when I first came to Hong Kong, I watched the Symphony of Lights show at Tsim Sha Tsui.

Tonight, three years later, will be my last Symphony of Lights show. I'm saying my goodbyes to Hong Kong...there's just too many memories too many dreams too many hope and love implanted in this place.

I asked to see him again and this time he said no. Stupid, I know. But I really don't know how to put an end to something that I never saw the end coming and how to stop loving someone I love so much.

Day 5

2009-07-31T13:57:00.003+08:00

Against all better judgment, I asked to see him. I went to see him.

I could not look at his face. Could not look into his eyes. Could not believe that it's truly ended.

Day 4

2009-07-30T17:38:00.001+08:00

Not sure whether it is wise or not to be heading over to where he is now...

*edit*

For the first time he is not there to pick me up from the airport =(

happy birthday to myself

Day 3

2009-07-29T12:13:00.003+08:00

Really do not understand why people keep telling me that he may be joking or keep asking me whether there's any chance of patching up.

Seriously. Do you think that him breaking up with me happened in only a few words?

Day 2

2009-07-28T12:34:00.002+08:00

Can't sleep can't eat much

Day 1

2009-07-27T14:10:00.000+08:00

Trying to come to terms with the fact that the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with has announced that he does not see that happening anymore.

extraordinarily difficult

2009-07-04T18:17:00.004+08:00

watching Grey's has a definite effect of turning on the waterworks and for the past week, everything has just been extraordinarily difficult...

after spending 2 weeks with mr. boyfriend, being apart has been extraordinarily difficult. we didn't spend much quality time together since it was his family trip but i got used to going to bed and waking up in the same room as him. i got used to eating my meals with him and i got used to being able to steal that kiss or steal that hug from him and vice versa. i got used to him just being around. being back in KL is just damnit suffering...and i really wonder how much longer can i take this? it's been only a year...

after suffering from lots of neck/shoulder pain and migraine since the car accident in march, i have finally found the time and effort to make the travel to mont kiara to see a chiropracter. turns out that i have a pretty serious neck injury that has caused the natural neck curvature to straighten out.

normal neck curvatureabnormal neck curvature (i.e. mine)

my skull is not sitting properly on top of my spine and therefore my muscles are working extra hard to pull my head to the right position, hence the pain. oh, and my spinal/neck bones may also be touching my spinal cord, thus affecting the nerves as well. just great. i had my first physiotherapy treatment to bring down the swellings and i was sore the whole night. then i have to continue physiotherapy twice a week before the doctor uses a posture pump to "push" my neck back to its curvature. this is extraordinarily difficult, not just the pain and the possibility of suffering for the rest of my life, but also the sad fact that i really do not have the time as a consultant to fix this...then it makes me wonder if it's at all worth it to work the long hours if i can't even make time to see doctors. is it?

there's also my housing situation that i need to fix...and my sore eye...the pressure to get braces...the list goes on.

i am feeling terribly lonely...there's not many friends in KL and mr. boyfriend is 4 hours and rm1000 away =(.

extraordinarily hard...

i miss you...

2009-06-29T21:23:00.002+08:00

Minoru Park, Richmond

How do we know whether we are meant to be together?

mixed bliss

2009-06-20T02:48:00.004+08:00

After 2.5 months apart without seeing each other, it was definitely blissful happiness to be wrapped in his embrace and to whisper words of love into each others' ears. The other part that is diluting my bliss, I shall not delve into as there is no point in that.

My 2-week vacation is slowly ticking away as I'm due to be back in KL next Sunday to start work again. I have been sitting in front my my laptop for a few hours now since 7am this morning reading episode synopsis of Desperate Housewives (yes, sad isn't it?) as mr. boyfriend is out playing golf. I think I hear him now...

A few pictures...

Lake Louise, Banff

Banff Gondola/Sulphur Mountain, Banff

Mission Hills Family Estate, Kelowna

minum milo dapat nintendo

2009-04-26T23:27:00.004+08:00

I've got a little good news for the people who still pop by my blog once in a while, hoping in vain that I'd update it.

"Hey, I'm updating my blog now la!"

Anyways, it's not extremely amazingly good news, just a little fun update to share. SHIT, just realized I just gave it away in the title. Oh well~

So, back in December 2008, I entered a really random contest by Milo - Peraduan MILO "Sikit-sikit, lama-lama jadi bukit". All you had to do was to count the number of MILO packs hidden in a picture and submit your entry with a proof of purchase. I figured, since people in my office drinks Milo a lot and there's always Milo in the office, why not? Not like I had to invest in buying Milo; I just had to pay for stamps.

I had completely forgotten about it, thinking that I'd never win because I never win lotteries or lucky draws or anything of that sort....until last week, when I got a package from an unidentified company.

Silly thing is, I didn't even know what I won. I saw the Super Mario Brothers game first because the whole thing was bubble-wrapped so tightly and the first thing that came to my mind was "hey! I won a game! I can give that to mr. boyfriend...".

But the letter told me otherwise! I had won a Nintendo DS Lite (yes, in this color), a Super Mario Brothers game and a RM200 Hong Leong bank account!!!

I am one of the 5 lucky weekly winners! It's really crazy...

...but do you want to know what's even crazier??

Guess what my housemate won in a different contest?

*
**
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****
*****
******

Guess!

Ok fine, la la la. I tell I tell.

She won VVIP tickets to Lee Hom's concert this coming weekend AND backstage passes! I think there's some after show party that she has access to as well...isn't that insane?? She only entered 6 entries. And she won the grand prize.

LOL. Now, that kind of luck I don't have la. But our apartment must have pretty good fengshui!

Alritey, I've done my update. Signing off now...ciao~

Haha...what a perspective!

2009-04-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

Think we've got it bad? U. Chicago has it worse

By Julie Straus
Columnist

Published: Tuesday, March 7th, 2000

Two weeks ago, I visited a friend at the University of Chicago. A renowned research institution, Chicago's undergraduate program is better known as the school "where fun goes to die." With a quarter system, Chicago students endure three sets of finals per year. But here at Princeton, we're complaining about exams after winter break.

Compared with students at most schools, we are spoiled. We have 24 weeks of classes, compared to Chicago's 30. This week is designated "midterm week," and most professors schedule assignments accordingly. Yes, there are professors that schedule midterms and papers outside this period, but most do not. As many Chicago students can confirm, midterms there run from Week Four through Week 10.

Certainly, we are an exception when it comes to reading periods: nine days before exams devoted to catching up. The University is even gracious enough not to count Houseparties weekend in those nine days. Chicago designates two days that begin immediately following the last class of the quarter. So does Columbia. Penn allots three days. Yale students are lucky, with seven. I am not advocating change, because I think Princeton's academic program has evolved to fit the nine-day reading period. But I am asking that we put our situation into perspective.

As fortunate as we are, why do we complain about too much work? Last spring, when Chicago administrators proposed a plan to weaken their core curriculum, students there protested for months to preserve what many see as cumbersome academic requirements.

Too many Princeton students act as though they are owed "better" — less reading, fewer papers, longer vacations. Actually, we are owed nothing. Professors are the employees in the academic world; we are merely the clients. They are paid to challenge us, to help us develop our minds and pursue our interests. To do so requires reading, writing, examinations and assignments.

Attending this school is not a job, and it is not something we have to do. This society has created a system that justifies our spending four years pursuing our interests and expanding our minds. As college students, most of us have little real responsibility. Yet somehow, some of us have come to place so much emphasis on our classes that we perceive them as something akin to a job and beg for benefits.

For those who say that an advanced degree is essential in today's employment market, and thus argue that completing this education is something we must do, I respond that you did not have to choose Princeton. You could have enrolled in a technical school, learned a trade and earned a decent living. A Princeton education is a gift that we are fortunate to have received. This is a luxury — to spend four years exploring anything and everything, from astrophysics to Zen Buddhism — but we are not entitled to any of this. What we take away from our Princeton experience is directly related to what we put into it. "Dean Hargadon and Company" offered each of us admission here because they believe that we are the individuals that will make the most of our time here and the resources available to us.

Whining about work is not making the most of the Princeton experience. If your work is such a burden, perhaps you are taking the wrong classes. At the same time, however, we must strike a delicate balance between class work, extracurricular activities and socializing. In this respect, we should not emulate Chicago, where the first Monday in February is an academic vacation affectionately called "Suicide Prevention Day." Chicago earned its notoriety because too many students there were unable to strike the appropriate balance between class work and extracurricular activities. Let us not suffer the same fate. But let us not suffer the worse fate of misunderstanding why we are here.

steak steak steak

2009-03-19T21:36:00.001+08:00

OMG...Morton's is sooooo goooooood!

Or perhaps I haven't had good steak in a long while...

unattenable promises

2009-03-07T08:19:00.003+08:00

I had promised myself the Coach bag if I don't screw up in this project.

Damnit, I don't think I'm getting it =(.